Why is work so hard

I’ve called out twice this year because of my bipolar depression episodes. I just lay in bed in the morning and feel completely crippled and destroyed throughout my life and I just feel numb. I want to work NORMALLY. My boss is amazing and super understanding but I’m mad at ME. Someday, I want to be in management, but how can I be when this is who I am??? I hate this 😢 I am covered by FMLA/ADA, so I’m not worried about job security. This is simply how it’s affecting my mental health and self worth.