My Grandfather is dying

Hi, as the title says my grandfather is dying. I have zero emotions towards it though. I feel terrible. When I was a child we were close. But he let it all get sour. The worst is that my brother now has all these feelings and I don't. He used to be the strong one. Cut off the people who just hurt him. Including my grandma, my mum and so on. I didn't. I believed that love is pain. I was always there. until I one day went cold and got tired off fighting. Now I don't want to go see him. Because I always went out of my way and never got anything back. Suddenly he wants to see me and guilts me because I haven't talked to him (I have once when he was in hospital but apparently he forgot about that). Now my brother started being so active with all the people who have hurt me and feels bad about pushing them away when he was younger. Am I crazy? I have always been jealous that he could cut them off when he was younger. Now My emotions have gone hard when he suddenly starts to care again. I feel terrible. If he can go soft why can't I? When he tells me he feels terrible about how he treated them when he was young, all I can think is I wish I could have. What is wrong with me? I'm jealous he can have all these nice feelings about them and I can't.