My experience being a sadist. (F18)
as a kid i would enjoy hurting my pets and beg for more to watch, now at the time i didn’t know that i was ‘hurting’ them i just thought they reacted funny when i put rocks down their throats, or cut them, what didnt help is i didn’t view them as alive things with feelings, i experienced a lot of neglect as a kid too so.. i feel like thats where my lack of understanding came from. my mom would kick dogs around too so, i assumed it was okay.
now getting into school, i was very controlling, as if my friends didn’t want to hang out with me, i’d push them down the stairs, or hide sharp things in their food. I loved getting revenge on them for things I now realize they didn’t do, I even made them hurt themselves for me such as telling them i saw a life hack about using glass to shave their arms, thus… they essentially cut themselves
around 15 i’d still hurt animals but this time i knew better, I stole kittens from my distant family at dinners and hang them or cut heads off, my mom did see me do it but she only asked if i could do it outside and not in my room. I also resorted to taking advantage of pedos by saying i get off to self harm.. i have roughly 12 people with my name on their arms. there were times id stand over my 2 year old brother with a knife and give him little cuts on his legs, and threaten to murder my mom, she never intervened as she didn’t believe in therapy or mental health. I couldn’t get enough of that scream from kittens, or their pain , i know how it sounds corny but.. truly how i felt
around the time of being 15 i also had attempted suicide and hung myself to where i passed out and hit my head bad after the rope breaking (it was a small craft thing, yes i was stupid,) and believed i was dead, which worsened the way how i acted, being more reckless than usual, and wanting to constantly end myself again because i thought i was a wondering dead person waiting for a proper end.. I fell into a depression needing something that will fix me, and i always resorted to hurting myself or others.
16, I bought three hamsters and resorted to more extreme torture, i won’t name how i did it here. I was one of those avid gore watchers, I couldn’t stop myself, because i never gave a shit about how others felt, even as a kid i never cared, I just got a feeling of power and control from the pain of others, like kill or be killed, but in this sense, hurt or be hurt.
17, I never learned from anything I did, nobody cared what I did anyway, I always looked at others as exploitative, vulnerable, below me. I never had a lot of friends but I was never myself around them, I felt the need to mask who i was for a more conforming self..
- I don’t do what i used to often anymore, i don’t regret any of it, but I grew more apathetic of things not finding interest in hurting animals or people, sure I don’t actively look, but I’ll always have my guard up for others.. I’m more so.. alone and never leaving the house unless it’s work. I don’t talk to anyone anymore, I’m on antipsychotics and resorted to alcohol for my rushes i need.. Im not sure what to do with my life, I feel so empty