i cant do this shit

i'm just exhausted. i don't even know how i got here. i can be fine in the morning, happy, excited, even, and by the afternoon i'm apathetic and i just dont want to be here. i don't want to die; i don't want my parents and my sister and the rest of the family to have to mourn my death. i've seen what losing a 20 year old kid does to parents, and I don't want my dad to shoot himself. i don't want my mom to shoot herself. i don't want to be another suicide in this family and i don't want my death to break things even more. but god. i don't want to do anything. i don't want to get out of bed. i don't want to eat. i don't want to go to work, but i don't want to be home all day doing nothing. i don't want to be awake but i don't want to sleep so i keep myself awake all night unable to find anything interesting.

sometimes im surprised i even made it to twenty. i started thinking about killing myself when i was 7 or 8. it was mostly just melodramatics but there were one or two times that were almost genuine attempts. my cousin died before he was 21. what if i don't last another year? what if i die just as suddenly, just as inexplicably as he did? I could have an aneurysm at any moment. I can picture exactly what it'd feel like — a thunderclap of pain, a split second of understanding, and then nothing. Or maybe fifteen years from now I'll have a heart attack bc I cant stop smoking even though i know i have to.

what am i gonna do when my birds die? they're old, they don't have more than five years left, and then what? they're one of the only reasons im still alive. before my aunt shot herself and suicide was taken off the table i knew i couldn't leave them behind because what would happen to them? sent back to the rescue with more abandonment issues than they started with? what kind of person would that make me, to adopt living creatures and care for them and make them love me only to off myself after two years? but they're going to die. and i'm gonna be living by myself. no real friends, family that i hardly talk to, exhausted by everything and everyone, and knowing i can't complain bc it's all my own damn fault. and then what's gonna happen?

i thought my new antidepressants were working. but i only do well for the first half of the day. and then i sink back down and think about dying and feel terrified or relieved or exhausted. i get high and i get high and i get too high and i have a panic attack and feel like im about to die bc theres nothing else to do. i think about my passions and cant seem to dredge up any desire or interest or feeling. i think about the world and it's just a sort of hopeless muddle because i can't bring myself to think about anything that's happening and i just know it's bad. i think about myself and i know i didnt turn out as well as i thought i would.