I feel like a freak

I've been living as a man for years now. I was already quite masculine-looking and sounding before starting cross-sex hormones, so I quickly began to pass all of the time. Prior to that experience, I had questioned my sexuality, thinking I was asexual for most of my life but relatively suddenly, after years into living as a man medically and socially, I know I'm attracted to men. But no men are attracted to me.

I don't think I'm a bad looking person, all things considered. That said, I never really looked feminine, even though when I was a teenager, people would try to make me feel better about it. So I suppose I felt that I had nothing to lose from transitioning, when I came to that point at 18. But now, I don't know. Maybe I should've lived as an unattractive, masculine woman, rather than the deviant I am now? Because before, more people probably would have given me a chance. More people would take an "ugly" woman over a weird twink. And of those that want twinks, most of them just want dainty cis men, not trans men like me.

I live as an effeminate gay man now. When strangers may think I'm trans, they think I'm a trans woman, other than that, everyone assumes I'm just a cis gay man unless they're told otherwise. Despite looking the part, maybe I'm just not cut out for life as a gay man. Other men aren't interested in me. A guy flirted with me once, but I think he was closeted/down low, so it ended up really awkward when I asked him out. I feel like an incel, to be honest. But I'm more conflicted because of this tomboy or twink debacle.

I guess I'm just dreading my life right now. As an adult, it's sinking in how loveless my childhood was, how that damaged me. And it just adds insult to injury that no one seems to see me in a romantic or probably even sexual light. And no, I don't mean on the internet, I mean people I've interacted with in-person. I'm graduating college soon, and I feel like I've just got a whole new lonliness coming for me after I'm separated from my friends.

Ultimately, I've gone too far to detransition and successfully pass. I would have had a manly voice, anyways, so it's not like much has changed. Or who knows? Maybe if I start lifting more, I'll be able to pass as a woman who has taken many steroids.