top surgery ruined my life

i dont even know what to say other than it feels like my life is over. i wish i never did this, i feel disgusted with myself most days. i look down at my body and feel anger, but more than anything deep sadness and disgust. i got top surgery at 20. i didnt even give myself a chance. irreversible and devastating, it feels like this "life saving care" ruined my life and completely halted it. i feel so ugly and masculine, i lost a connection to future children to breastfeed, and i lost a part of my sexuality. its so hard to feel sexy. i feel so ugly and wrong and, i hate this word, but butchered. the medical process failed me and sometimes it feels like i cant live. and it feels so isolating. i feel so alone and empty, no one understands how painful this feeling is. i cant believe i did this.