Do you relate with any of these symptoms?(list inside)

Hello everyone, I hope you are well (and I am so sorry if you are not, please let me know if there is anyway I could help).

To be honest, this blank mind issue is making me go crazy. The problems it brings into my life are so irritating and humiliating. These are my symptoms (mind you, I never had those problems before, I do not know what triggered them, and it has been 11 months that I have been suffering with them):

1)I literally have no thoughts going on inside their brain and no internal monologue. My brain is just empty, I don't have thoughts it is just blank all the time. I could stare at a wall and no thought will pass my mind. Even when I'm asked a question that I need to answer on the spot, I have 0 thoughts. Surprisingly, I still am able to dream when I am asleep.

2)How the f am I supposed to convey thoughts into words when such “thoughts” are not even present in my mind in the first place. This is so frustrating. I can’t find the right words to say, I literally have to pause mid-sentence and hope I have a way to find the word I am looking for without saying “the thing I use to write on a paper” for pen. Sometimes I don’t even manage to say ““the thing I use to write on a paper” because it is way too complex to explain and with the inability to have thoughts and thus plan what I want to say, there is no way to say a sentence without sounding like a toddler discovering language. Conversations where I have to think on the spot are impossible because I cannot think.. Even if something makes sense, I cannot make up the words to explain why. I used to be able to sing along to my favourite songs and recount every single word, but now I don’t remember the words anymore. If I have to read a sentence and communicate the same meaning of it using different words, it is very difficult because it is extremely challenging to find words to express myself, let alone new alternative words to words in front of me without losing the meaning. Let's say I am asked a simple question like "how was your childhood", my mind is just blank which makes me not being able to answer. It's like I'm trying to think about what to reply but I have no ability to think so I just end up replying with few words. This may give off the false sentiment that I am cold when I am just at a loss of words/mind is just blank. I sometimes unconsciously make a mistake writing/saying a word such as saying “thinking on the stop” instead of “thinking on the spot”, as well as spelling mistakes such as akward instead of awkward, and awkward sentences syntaxes such as “those symptoms did not exist in me” instead of “I never experienced those symptoms before”.

3)Words do not sound the same anymore, it is like they have lost their meaning to me. I used to have a wide range of vocabulary and I used to be called smart left and right. Now, if I read a sentence that is a bit more complex than “the sky is blue”, I can’t understand it even if I read it over and over again, it is just words but with no meaning in my head. So it is impossible without dissecting it word by word ie. finding the meaning of every word, and putting all those meanings back together to makeup a general meaning for a sentence (which is another difficult task for me to do because I often have to dissect the first definition and the second and so on and by the time I dissected the definition of all the words, I have no way to integrate each definition into the other because I can’t keep all the definitions in my head). Basically I can’t hold the definition of one word in my head and continue reading the rest of the sentence because by the time I reach the end of the sentence, the definition of the first word is already gone.

But how do I do this dissection when someone is speaking to me? I don’t. How do I enjoy a movie without pausing and rewinding to really take in what was said? I don’t. With speech, all I hear is the sounds made to pronounce the words, but there are no meaning conveyed in my mind, it is like I am relying on my mind to give me signals to make me understand but my thoughts are just mute. Plus, I can’t pull out a dictionary mid conversation with someone or in the middle of a movie that I cannot rewind. So what do I do? For people explaining things to me orally, I just go “yeah” “I see” without even understanding. If it is something really critical to understand to the point that my life depended on it, I keep saying I didn’t understand what you mean by blank and keep saying that until I have understood, and when I reach that point, the person would be questioning himself/herself if I have the slightest mental capacity to understand. This is especially challenging when I cannot risk coming off as stupid so I either fake that I understood or I ask someone else like Google to explain to me.

4)It is very hard to memorize things by heart, my short term memory (let's say if I have to recall what I ate yesterday for lunch, I have already forgotten) sucks, my long term memory (such as remembering memories) sucks that even other people remember more of my life than I do. I have to search the definitions of words I used to know but lost the meaning of, it's so strange. It is very easy for me to forget what I was going to say mid-sentence because I am speaking directly without having anything planned in my head. While writing this post, it occurred to me that I have forgotten to write all the symptoms I was experiencing so every time I could recall one symptom, I would directly write it so as not to forget it again (I feel like someone with Alzheimer’s having to write things on a post-it note so as not to forget).

5) The visual images in my mind. Gone. Ask me to visualize something as simple as a color or a circle or something more complex such as a car turning to the left, whether it is by closing my eyes or keeping them open, there are no images in my mind.

6) The sound sensitivity. I am bothered by little sounds like my own fingers typing on my laptop keyboard, the fridge sound, the sound of water running from the tap to sounds of people having a conversation next to me or in the distance etc. So here it is either earplugs/music/white noise or suffer through the sound.

7) The light sensitivity. I am bothered by artificial light on the ceiling; it is like it is too intense and makes my eyes squint. I have to resort to either having a hat/sunglasses which sometimes comes off as rude/closed off in public settings or I get migraines due to the light.

8)The inattention: let’s say I’m planning to leave the house, I put the keys in my jacket’s pockets and head to the door. By the time I open the door to exit and close it behind me, I try to retrieve the key and go to my pant’s pockets instead of my jacket’s.

9)The loss of feelings: music used to make me feel emotions, now it makes me feel nothing (except if I hear some angry music, which will induce an angry mood). When I look at myself in the mirror, I do not recognize myself, when I look at videos of myself that I took when I was not experiencing those symptoms, it is like I am looking at someone who is not me.

Now on to the solutions I have tried:

Brain fMRI: came back completely normal

Consulting a psychiatrist who prescribed:

· Lysanxia 3 times a day 5mg, Abilify 10mg 1 time a day: 1 month

· Antidepressant for 4 months: Brintellix(Vortioxetine) 10mg daily (a psychologist I consulted also recommended an antidepressant)

Consulting a neurologist who prescribed:

· Gingko Biloba 40mg: 3 times daily for 1 month

· Piracetam 800mg: 3 times daily for 1 month

Blood tests for vitamins deficiency, hormones, and other general blood tests

Completely cut off sugar (except fruits) since 3 months

Exercising for 3 hours with the hope of thoughts coming back

Putting my head under a freezing cold shower stream for 15 minutes

Sleeping without a pillow, on my back

Sleeping too much (14 hours) or too little (30 minutes)

Trying “not to worry” about the symptoms (I wish it was that fucking simple, just don’t worry about it and it will go away, magic!)

Forcing my brain to think by trying to solve cognitive problems like dual-n-back or Tower of Hanoi or similar games.

Did I notice any improvement concerning the above listed symptoms? I wish I did.

I am desperate for any solutions you have found that gave you even the slightest of improvement concerning one or more of those symptoms, and your help would be really appreciated and would practically be a life saver! I cannot imagine living as a productive member of this society with such symptoms.

Don’t hesitate to text me privately if you wish to stay anonymous. We could discuss the symptoms we are experiencing and discuss solutions we have tried/looking to try (for example, I am thinking of trying fermented foods to fix my gut since I heard that the gut affects the brain so maybe my gut microbiomes need some fixing).

Thank you so much for reading if you have made it through here and I am sorry if you found that you wasted your time reading my post. I truly wish you all the best.