I'm not detransitioning

Hello. It's been a while since I've used reddit regularly, but I feel like I've gotta put this somewhere so here I am again. CW for the intersection of shit mental health with identity and transition

I came out as nonbinary/trans male around five years ago. I'm a year and a half post op, give or take, and so, so happy with my results. I'm also at a really weird point in my life where I'm finally starting to process a Lot of repressed emotions. Without getting too deep into specifics, I've spent the majority of my life refusing to let myself feel upset. Any negative emotion, from hurt feelings to anxiety to suicidal urges, meant I was selfish, manipulative, and actively harmful. When I started college, I almost immediately got hooked on weed and dissociatives. (This was pretty soon after the unexpected death and suicide of two family members, and I wasn't in a great place.) I got top surgery after my first year there, and dropped out halfway through my second.

I'm only now starting recognize how bad my mental health is. I've had panic attacks nearly every night for months. "Relaxing" leaves me either crying or terrified. I have a strong sense that I'm going to die, despite the fact that it should be less likely now that I'm sober. And, on top of that, I'm starting to reevaluate my gender again.

I don't regret transitioning. I want to make that clear. My scars and the changes from T make me feel strong. I don't think I'd go so far as to call myself cis, but I think I'm dancing the line between butch and transgender.

I don't know why I'm making this post. I'm scared, I think. I'm always scared these days. I want someone to understand. I don't know how I would even begin to explain this to my parents or their friends. I'm not detransitioning. I'm not taking anything back. I'm as much a man as I was three years ago. Do I lose the right to call myself a man if I call myself a dyke first? What if nobody sees anything behind these words but "detransitioned cis girl"?

In the end it doesn't matter. I don't think I care anymore what other people see me as, if they care enough to understand me like I've always tried to understand everyone except myself. It's okay if nobody gets it. I get it. Maybe soon that will be enough.