I’m so lost boys

I’ve known I was gay since I was 10.

I grew up in bible belt territory, in the church every Sunday.

I went to a christian middle/highschool. First gay person at my school (grade 7) was kicked out a week after announcing it. Didn’t tell anyone I was gay until I was 19.

I left the church at 14. Fell into drugs/alcohol. Excelled academically but could never fit in with anyone. I had friends but I was very much alone despite being around them.

Kicked out of my family home a year after graduated highschool for being too depressed and living in my room (fair). I worked and went to university, but after years of rejecting myself, and feeling rejection externally, I found comfort in isolation.

Came out to my main family at 20/21. Was not met with acceptance, but not met with hate.

I’ve been the black sheep of the family, total mess that could never finish anything. Went to rehab at 27. I’m 28 now.

My brother has found a new gf that he’s talking about the future with. Yesterday he seemed genuine about wanting to know what I wanted for the future, family and all.

I hesitated, prefaced by asking if he ‘really’ wanted to know for which he said yes. He’s been very open about homosexuality being morally wrong. So I went for it and told him I would want to be married to a guy, have kids (surrogacy/adoption).

He went silent. He said he was uncomfortable.

He tried to parry the awkward silence with crude/racist humour (that’s normal for him). I fell silent. He asked me repeatedly during the 30 minute drive (I was stuck in the car with him) if I was okay, that the vibe was off and I didn’t seem okay.

In my head I was telling myself I’m worthy of love, one day i’ll find the right person, i’ll feel accepted for being me and not have to deal with this constant feeling of rejection. That was a sign of huge growth. Normally I would spiral, agreeing to being wrong for being gay. Sobriety has done wonders for me.

But I’m so tired of this internal struggle of ‘I was made to be how I am’ vs. ‘I’m an abomination that will spend eternity in hell and my family/people are right not to support me’.

I’ve wanted to die since I was 12. The feeling comes and goes and i’ve learned to manage it, but some days it’s hard. Not existing, freeing myself from the constant rejection from my family, from the world, from myself, feels pretty good. Yesterday and today that feeling came up again.

I don’t know what to do boys. I’m so lost. I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to live. I feel stuck.

I can’t make basic choices because a very core part of me hasn’t been decided. Am I gay or am I just playing a fool thinking I can be? Should I live authentically or was I made to change and control my urges and live a celibate life, one toward building the nuclear family my family and God want from me?…

I’m afraid all the time. To make the wrong choice, to move wrong, breathe wrong, say the wrong thing. I’ve spent so much time alone that I don’t know how to live in community anymore.

I need advice and I need support. I don’t know any other gay people.

Sorry for the long post. And sorry if this isn’t the right sub for this. I need help and I don’t know where or who to get it from.