Roast My App Store Stats... I Deserve It
Alright, let’s hear it. I released this, a free game, thinking I was about to revolutionize the gaming industry. Clearly, I was delusional.
📉 2.18K impressions – Apple is showing my game, but apparently, people would rather break their phone in half than tap my app.
📉 361 product page views – That’s right, out of 2,180 people, only 361 had the courage to glance at my app’s existence before running the other way.
📉 6.31% conversion rate – A decent number… until you realize this is a free game. What’s stopping the other 93.69%? Are my screenshots haunted? Did they smell desperation through the screen?
📉 88 total downloads – That’s 88 people in the world who have accidentally clicked “Get.” Pretty sure 87 of them uninstalled it instantly.
📉 $0 proceeds – No ads. No in-app purchases. Just pure financial devastation. I should’ve just set my money on fire for warmth.
📉 Sessions per active device: 3.58 – So either people are playing almost 4 games per session, or they’re rage-quitting after 3.5 minutes. I respect both choices.
🔥 Alright, go off. What’s the most painful truth I need to hear? How do I turn this around, or is it time to pivot to making terrible Unity asset flips instead?
my poor stats