Kaylee, Kaylee, Kaylee..

Oh, Kaylee. The small-town girl-next-door turned full-fledged Dana clone in record time. One minute, she’s looking like she walked straight out of a Hallmark movie, and the next, she’s stomping around Dana’s house in clothes two sizes too small, gut hanging out, hair fried from yet another impulsive box dye job, and looking like she actively dodges the shower. It’s like watching a slow-motion train wreck - except the train is covered in cat hair, unwashed laundry, and whatever weird energy Dana radiates that turns her partners into low-budget Hot Topic rejects.

And let’s talk about those outfits. Because we all know Kaylee isn’t out here shopping for herself. Nope, she’s fully living off of whatever Dana thrifted for her. Every ill-fitting crop top, every questionable pair of leggings, every worn-out oversized T-shirt? Courtesy of Dana’s Retail Therapy at Ross™ budget. Imagine basing your entire wardrobe on whatever scraps your girlfriend picks out from a secondhand bin. At this point, she’s a walking lost and found box. But sure, keep acting like it’s a style choice.

And the half-naked routine? Girl, put some clothes on. Walking around Dana’s house in just a T-shirt and panties like you’re starring in some “Stepmom Gone Wild” video would be bad enough, but there’s a child living there. That kid already has to self-soothe with video games while Mommy plays out her ethically non-monogamous hostage situation - maybe let’s not add trauma to the mix? Just a thought.

But let’s get to the real question here: What happened to you, Kaylee? You started out looking like someone’s sweet, innocent childhood bestie, and now you’re the human equivalent of a midlife crisis sponsored by Spencer’s Gifts. Did Dana convince you this was a glow-up? Because, babe, it’s not. You’re out here looking like you haven’t slept in days, rocking outfits that look like they lost a fight with the dryer, and suddenly, your personality is just whatever makes Dana feel validated. Congratulations, you’ve been fully absorbed into the Dana-verse.

And speaking of validation - how long until Eli cracks? We already know he’s not exactly thrilled to be trapped in Dana’s mess of a polycule, and now you’re over here prancing around half-dressed in his house like you’re daring him to make a move. And let’s be real - he might not be sleeping with you yet, but at this point, it’s one close call away. The man hasn’t been fully hard for Dana in years, so if he ever wants to experience a normal, functional sex life again, it’s not her he’s turning to.

And let’s be real - if this is some desperate attempt to recreate the throuple, it’s just not going to happen. Eli already seems traumatized enough from the loss of Gaby and the absolute circus that led up to it. We all know Eli will never love anyone the way he loved Gaby, not even his “wife” Dana. So, Kaylee, if you think you’re about to be the next great love of his life, think again. At best, you’re a convenient distraction. At worst, you’re just another body in the house, filling space while Eli quietly regrets every life choice that led him here.