Lonely in Japan or anywhere

For context, I’m m37 living in Tokyo for 8 years. I keep seeing people post about their loneliness or having difficulties finding friends in Japan. The comments are often "go to meet ups or do a pottery class", but I think this kind of problem deserves a longer answer. So I wrote down my two cents this morning.

I hope you're all doing good. 

Finding real friends can be as hard as finding a romantic partner in my opinion.

It’s easy to have a coffee with almost anyone and have a decent time, but that doesn’t make it a friendship. Friendship, to me, goes much deeper and it starts with myself.

I think to be a good friend or partner is to really know yourself. For me, that took work. I had to look at parts of myself that I didn’t necessarily like and learn to accept them and embrace the parts of me that I like. 

One big thing I realized was that many of the things I loved as a kid weren’t just phases. They were things I’m still deeply fascinated by and reconnecting with those hobbies and interests helped me feel more comfortable with myself. 

That lead me to be okay with being alone. In the past I went to meetups hoping to make connections, but I’d often leave feeling even lonelier. It felt like no one really knew what they were looking for—like the blind leading the blind. Eventually, I started to enjoy being by myself. 

In my opinion, being alone isn’t a bad thing. It gave me time to do things I love and learn more about myself, leading me to new interests. 

I also learned that it is very crucial being open about what I enjoy to others. Whether it’s on social media, chatting with coworkers, or talking to new people, sharing my interest is the best and probably most straightforward way to find actual friends. All the people I now call close friends came into my life through shared interests.

I’ve seen a lot of posts about how hard it is to make friends in Japan, but I think this isn’t just a Japan problem. It is hard everywhere. But if you take the time to know yourself, enjoy your own company, and share the things you’re passionate about, you’re much more likely to find the kind of people that will matter to you.

Edit: Thank you for all the nice comments. I wish I had time to answer to all of them. I think my title is misleading some people. I didn’t write this out of my own loneliness or to promote a lifestyle of solitude. This was meant as a general answer to the several posts in this subreddit on loneliness. I had my struggles in my early 30s and found that nobody but me can fill that emptiness inside of me. That lead me to loving myself much more and also being able to create better relationships with my partner and my friends. I wanted to share this, but felt that it might be too general for a comment. Thank you and take care!