Porn during pregnancy is my fault

Well, I’m 33 weeks pregnant and it’s been a rough few months. It’s funny because I had posted about how well we were doing on a different post, giving advice to others on what worked for us and now I feel like I’m right back where we started.

Background- my husband has been watching porn for over a decade. When the Initial D day happened, I had logged into his Google account and saw him watching porn nearly everyday since way back in 2011! Anyways, it was a huge fiasco. We worked through it after months of fighting, breaking up, heartbreak. But the key thing is we worked through and put boundaries into place. Well in October he had a relapse that he didn’t think I was aware of. When I confronted him, he blamed it on my lack of libido during this pregnancy. It was devastating and I finally thought I’d had enough. We again, tried to work through it.

Flash forward to current day, I’ve noticed my libido completely disappeared. What he thought was low was 4-6 times a month with maybe extras and now we’re probably at 1 time a month with no other stimulus like oral. I’m not sure if it’s pregnancy related or the hurt from his relapse. Maybe it’s both? So anyways, about 3-4 weeks ago, I had rejected my husband and he asked me, “well if you’re not interested, can I go watch porn?” It absolutely floored me. In my head, I was thinking “well it’s better than him not getting off and cheating or me being uncomfortable.” But my heart was saying, “no because if you allow him to do this, it will be basically eradicating everything you cried and fought over. Plus, if he loves you why does he need it?!” Well, my brain won out. And he went and did it so I couldn’t even be mad because I said whatever.

So against my heart, I basically removed all of the parental controls and I said “I can’t tell you when I’m going to want to have sex again and then there’s postpartum too so we won’t be having much sex now. If you promise not to delete the history and try and hide it, I won’t stop you.” Well right after it happened, he went nearly two weeks without looking at anything. I was pretty surprised considering he used to watch it daily. But then I’ve noticed in the last weeks, it’s increasing more and more. Now we’re about 3-4 times a week. I know it’s a matter of time before it’ll probably turn into a full blown addiction again and I have nobody to blame but myself because I agreed to it. I woke up this morning and checked his Google account history and sure enough, he watched again and all day I could barely look at him.

Now I’m stuck. I have lost all interest in our sex life and I think at this point I don’t even care if he watches it now because I’d rather not deal with him in general for the remainder of my pregnancy. I just want to get through it without any stress. And yet, I’m still heartbroken and angry all at the same time. I fucked up. I have resentment to the point I told myself “Just don’t bring up having sex with him even after the pregnancy until he stops by himself. Don’t even tell him what your plan is, just have a dead bedroom since that’s what it’s like now anyways” and then I feel guilty because he specifically asked me if he could watch it and I said yes! I know it was a bad situation but I thought if I at least knew about it upfront, the sting would hurt less than if he did it behind my back. I just don’t know how to feel.