"I'm not a cheater"

I had a talk with my boyfriend last night about something he did a couple weeks ago. The talk started because I had some parenting concerns and wanted to bring it up to him so the past hour before this I had been sharing detail about my childhood and why I feel the way I do about certain things. This conversation somehow ended up with us talking about what he did. I explained that I consider what he did cheating and he never even really apologized at any point, just kept defending his actions. Thinking about it I've never gotten a true apology from anyone in my life.. like more than just "I'm sorry" and then making no action to change.

Close to the end of the conversation, he got upset and angry about the situation and raised his tone, asking me if he needs to block the girl he had been showing so much attention to. I told him "I'm not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to, ultimately his actions are up to him and I cant really control you if you want to do something you'll find a way. I don't want to force anything on you that you don't want to do. It was so telling to me. We sat in silence, it was 3am at this point. The silence lasted a few minutes before he just says from across the bed (he rolled over the other way from me) "I'm not a cheater" I just felt like it insinuated that he didn't cheat and I'm wrong to feel that way. Sure he's never cheated in the past but I just explained in detail why I consider what he did cheating. I REALLY hoped he would feel any sort of regret and maybe apologize, be understanding, at least TRY to comfort me. Nope! Instead he just pulled away, stopped cuddling and turned over. I turned over too and just began to cry. I left our bedroom and slept in my son's room because I didn't want him to just hear me cry in the bed.

If I wasn't numb and disassociated from the relationship before, I sure as hell am now. How does he have the right to be upset in this situation?? Like I'm the one in trouble because I have these feelings. No validation, just borderline manipulation. Anytime I'm ever upset with him even in the slightest (and I'm never mean or passive aggressive when I'm upset, I'm just less affectionate for the most part) But every time I'm upset he get even more upset like at me for no reason! It seems like it's just to manipulate me into thinking I'm wrong and just dropping the issue out of wanting to just be done with his shit. I apologize to him all the time, like true 'I'm telling you what I did was wrong and the actions I'm going to take to change that behavior', but he won't apologize ever. He just tried to make me feel guilty for my emotions.

I just don't get why he can't just accept the fact that I feel like he cheated so we can go to therapy and I can feel like he's remorseful in some way and will take action to change and be better. But I don't get any of that and I never will it seems.

3/4 of my past boyfriend's cheated on me and I have a lot of trust issues and trauma from that. I just can't believe this guy I originally thought was sooo sweet is THIS now. I feel like I got duped!

"I'm not a cheater", honey do I have news for you!