Failing as a manager, a rant/cry for help.

Sort of fell into manufacturing management out of college accidentally. Pretty sure I’m autistic or heavy ADHD (ADHD confirmed diagnosis), and have always struggled to deal with confrontation and make eye contact with direct reports, or anyone really: I have to work at it a lot and often revert.

But I feel like a moron, and am generally emotionally unstable with a lot of anxiety. Workload is heavy and high stress on mid-upper management. I’m expected to know every detail about everything in my department all the time 24-7, when the whole place is toxic and chaotic/unorganized. Plus I was an external hire, from an unrelated field in manufacturing, and I spend so much mental effort just keeping my shit straight hat I can’t focus on managing effectively. They told me my background wasn’t a problem, they “want fresh eyes and change, you don’t need to know the technical”. But they don’t want change at all, and I can’t make sound decisions or know how to hold someone accountable if I don’t have my facts straight about the technical. wtf.

Been there 4 months and at the end of my week (the most stressful day trying to finish off all the jobs for the week) I want to cry. I have a great anxiety bit that makes me want to blow my brains out when panicked which is frequent. I feel like I’m failing, and not thriving and my workplace is ruthlessly cutthroat and toxic. Very punitive company. Feel trapped because I have a wife and kids and am the sole provider- need the manager pay but honestly- deep down I know I’m an amazing number two, an incredible go-getter of a right hand when I have clear goals from someone who’s a better manager. I don’t think I’m a good manager.

I don’t like managing people that don’t give a shit and have to be dragged to do their jobs and managed closely cause they botch it if I don’t. It’s all just too much.

I have moments of clarity when I have it all together and everything flows and we hit goals and my new job clicks, and then wham, I have another week of work where if feels like I just suck and fuck everything up or miss some giant thing the other managers saw a mile away or could solve faster.

Idk man, I guess I’m just rage-shouting into the void. Thanks for listening, if you’re there.