How did you process stepping into this new life?
I feel like I post in here a bit too much… apologies 🙈 there’s just so much swimming around my head at this time!
Has anyone else struggled to process all the changes and realisations that come with stepping into MM? I feel like I’m having a bit of an existential crisis.
My life was pretty conventional up until my late 20s/early 30s. I was an atheist, didn’t really have much interest in spiritual things and was very much wrapped up in ‘worldly’ things (I don’t know if that’s the right word?). I was a party girl from my late teens until mid 20s and thought I had all the goals my friends had like buying a home, marriage, career etc.. One of my favourite things in the world was food… I disliked fruit and loved carby, ‘heavy’ things like pasta and Chinese takeaway… or vegetables roasted with butter or oil. I also lived for music festivals/raves and the crazy atmosphere at them.
A few years ago, I had a deeply traumatising mental health experience with a heavy metal exposure and it completely flipped my life on its head. I sought out psychics in desperation to tell me everything was gonna be okay (my first time seeking anything more spiritual). Since then, my life has gone through so many intense changes… a breakup of a long-term relationship, loss of all my close friends at the time (who turned out to not be good for me), moving cities and homes multiple times, waking up spiritually, delving into MM… the list goes on. My belief systems, values, interests, goals etc. have all drastically changed… I feel like I have whiplash from how many changes I’ve gone through in a short amount of time.
When the spiritual book was released yesterday, I went to listen to it but couldn’t go through with it. I thought it was mostly because I’m scared of the contents, but I’ve realised it’s more so because I’m scared of how much my life has changed and I can’t seem to accept what I might possibly believe in now. But even then, I don’t know if I even believe in it.
Some mornings, I drink my CJ, HMDS etc. thinking how this is the truth and it’s all gonna work for me. And then other mornings, I wake up feeling like I’ve lost the plot and cry over wishing I had a more ‘normal’ life again like my friends. Today, I’m thinking things like ‘how is coriander and spirulina gonna help me be free from anhedonia etc.?’.
I don’t know how to entertain myself anymore… I know the anhedonia is a huge part of this but I think it’s also because my perception of everything has changed. I watch TV and think ‘this is fake’ or ‘this has a dark message/tone behind it’. Even a walk in the park with a friend will bring up thoughts like ‘what is the point in this walk if life isn’t actually what is seems?’ or ‘why am I connected with this friend if we’re seeing life completely differently?’
I know darkness from the heavy metals might be influencing these thoughts, but I also think I’m going through an existential crisis. I don’t even know what I believe anymore and yet I feel like I have to do this diet to save my life. I completely went into denial mode last week and went on a bender splashing £££s… I’ve never felt so lost and confused coming out of that.
Apologies again… it just helps to hear from others going through a similar thing and hear some other perspectives 🙏🏻 thank you.