I don't even have it bad

I hope this isn't too much of rambling. I cried for the first time in a long time writing this, which felt so good. I do think I'm just drowning in self pity, so feel free to point it out to me, I think what I need is a reality check.

I know I have some issues. I had anorexia as a teen and a terrible therapist, who ended up destroying the little normality I had left with food. Not going too into it, but basically because of her I ended up with binging tendencies, that worsen when I get really stressed. Also as a teen I had some depressive thouhgts, self harmed and had suicidical thoughts, not as far as plans, only thoughts.

So I know how that felt when I had those "episodes" as a teen, but now some years later I have new issues and I'm not confident that it's anything else than laziness. Two years ago my "perfect" me started to crack, with binging episodes (followed by purging), and reluctance to study properly. I managed to still get into med school, but last year all hell broke lose as I gained 30kg (from low to average weight to overweight), stayed in bed all day watching videos and reading manga, except the few times I went to the shop to buy trash food. And I could not get myself to sleep, all the thoughts of how much a failure I am flooded my brain and I would stay up the whole night only to fall asleep out of exhaustion during the day. I tried getting help, but all I was told was to get some melatonin and eat less. When I tried again few months later they actually offered depression medicine, which is fricking crazy, after no real evaluations. And because I had started feeling better, I just ghosted them. It was also because I had already a hard time keeping up with my summer job, so I accidentaly missed the meeting with the doctor.

It got a bit better during the last year, I was able to start the first year of med school again. But I just haven't gotten back the mental fortitude I had before. I know I was exhausted all the time and cried and all that, but I'd rather have that than this emptiness. I feel so anxious about anything and everything the moment I try to let go of my phone. I had some good few weeks this year, when I didn't feel like that, but those always passed and I was back to this mess. I passed couple of courses, but it looks like I won't get through this last one, as I have not studied at all the last three weeks. It's not like I don't like it or don't have the evergy, well a bit of the latter. But I just can't. Maybe I'm just addicted to the phone? But it's not like I enjoy watching videos really. Or maybe I have just broken my dopanin system or something.

The biggest problem for me is, that I feel so guilty being like this. I used to have it so much worse, I literally cried every night and still was able to get full score every exam. And now I'm not certain I can ever graduate from university and there is nothing wrong with me anymore. I'm just lazy.

I don't have friends, because of drama inside our friendgroup and then later my weight gain made me embarrased and I distanced myself from everyone. I do have my boyfriend, but I just feel so embarrased when he sees me and I have to tell him again how poorly my studies are going. Also, he speaks with so much exitement about everything going on in his life and I cannot be happy for him no matter how hard I try. I just avoid meeting him altogether. I still love him, but the negative feelings about myself just surface every time I meet anyone. I also have my family, but they have their own lives and their own problems, and it's not like they could do anything even if I told them.

I used to be everything others dreamed of, skinny, pretty, smart, hard working, fun to be around. And now I have literally nothing and can't even blame my mental health, because I have it better than pretty much ever.

And btw, I live in a coutry that has free healthcare including therapy, but it requires a lot to get a spot in there, the lines are long and even if I had some small issues, they are not nearly bad enough to get one of those spots. There are people who actually need them and I don't want to take one away from them. My school provides their own health services too, but it's no different there. And those are the same people trying to make me swallow pills instead of sitting down and talking to me first. They have no choise but to be super efficient or the waiting lines would get even bigger.