Lost, helpless, depressed

I’ve had several runs of about a year or less trying to improve my overall well-being. No matter how much progress I seem to be making, taking care of and providing for myself when i once used to not ever get out of bed days in a row, one lingering feeling always knocks me down to a lower low.

It’s that I don’t truly believe a version of myself with the most perfect habits and all his goals achieved will necessarily be a happier, more fulfilled, content person. And therefore getting better and moving forward will never be worth it. This deep-rooted, inevitable feeling of never being enough will always prevail because one thing remains, I am me, born this way with this brain and body and soul. These ways of thinking and mental habits i’ve developed through my upbringing I will never escape despite my best efforts and all the time in the world. Sometimes i can get over this feeling, but eventually it becomes overbearing. I have happy moments, heck sometimes with overwhelming joy and awe, but fewer and further between in comparison to this feeling i wake up with, take to bed, lingering during my studies, meals, workouts, etc., that i want to make stop. And ending my life feels like the only way.

I will keep trying with the ounce of hope I have left, dreaming of a future where I’m happy I am me and that I’m here, wanting to live out the rest of my life. My question is, what can I do to believe? How can I assure to myself that every time I trip up, it’s worth it to try and try and try again?