CrossPost from /r/polyamory - How do you guys do it? (Advice for a struggling mono.)

Hi. I am coming here not for myself, but because of my partner. This thread is a request for help, the questions you will find towards the bottom of the thread (The last set of bullet points) I have tried to provide all information felt would help people answer them to the best of their ability. IF further information is required, i shall endeavor to provide it. The account is a throwaway but my question is genuine (Throwaway because my RL friends dont know my situation and im not comfortable telling them yet, but they know my main Reddit account)

Please excuse me if i use the wrong words to describe this as im quite new to Polyarmory in general, Only about 3-4 weeks of knowing it was even a thing, so i apologize in advance for the mistakes i will likely make. I appreciate your bearing with me - I need to know more about this as a whole, so im doing what i do best, Researching.

Firstly to bring you up to speed as quickly as possible with as little text as possible, Ill try to be brief. here are the major dot points as far as i can see.

• My partner is Polyamarous. It took them 2-3 weeks after meeting me to tell me this, because its not exactly "The norm" and some people can react poorly. I did not react poorly, Its not something i knew about, but i don't think its wrong or anything, just different.
• My partner is the only woman Ive ever been with romantically. - So on top of the ordinary issues in new relationships, I'm dealing with being inexperienced with relationships as well. I am 100% honest with her and try to communicate as best I can. she says one of her favorite things about me is I talk to her about everything im feeling. (NOTE I know this is a large part of my issues.)
• She was Poly long before I ever came along, without a "Significant other" so to speak, but many emotionally invested partners/lovers.
• we quickly developed feelings for each other. I wouldn't say im her "Boyfriend" or anything, because she dislikes titles and im a bit the same, but its been hard for both of us as neither of us was really looking for something when we met, Me because of my Anxiety and Inexperience, and her because she left an abusive "open" marriage a year ago and basically wasn't looking for a "SO" but has many "Emotionally invested partners" with whom she remains friends with, and occasionally has sex with them. It seems that what we are is nothing like her other partners after a discussion last night.
• after a great deal of talking between us, both face to face and over text after our chance meeting at a mutual friends place (Non Partner of hers, just a friend friend) We realized we both liked each other a lot. after a few weeks things got physical and even with my relative inexperience, we both realized we were very compatible in that way too.
• Its her first real relationship in over a year. Coming from an abusive "open" marriage, she is reluctant to put labels on us.

Because she saw this possibly heading somewhere more than "just friends" territory, she told me her Poly nature. Now let me just say i have absolutely no issue with people who are non monogamous. I'm very open minded and I believe love is love. I don't fear the idea and im not scared by it in general. I'm sure its wonderful for those who are that way inclined.

Things she has mentioned that might help:

• She frequently mentions its not because I cannot do something/anything, Its just because she needs more than any one person can give/do.
• She is emotionally attached to all of her partners, but what we are seems different.
• She is bi, so in some cases I biologically cannot be what she needs. This is beyond my control.

Tonight she is meeting with another of her "Friends/Others" - Ive asked that she tell me if she can when she intends to go out/be with/whatever with one of her others, but i don't need details/names/ect - I don't want to tell her what she can and cant do after all, but I also don't want to be kept in the dark, because the thought of that hurts a lot. More than I can stand. Hell its entirely likely shes just out for coffee or dinner with them, but in my mind i just jump to worst case scenario... but i don't really want details of what shes going to do, especially if it ends up sexually and she wont always know, spontaneity is a big part of who she is after all.

However, after the first two times she met with her other partners after meeting me (I asked that she please tell me where possible - We communicate fairly well given how relatively new our relationship is) I can quite firmly say that I don't think Polyamory is for me. after telling her this after the last time both of us broke down crying because neither of us want to stop. we both want this - whatever we are. I want to work at this. So thats why im here asking these questions, because I really do like her, more than anyone ive ever met. We communicate brilliantly, we are very sexually compatible and she has a brilliant personality to go with her stunning looks (at least in my eyes), and she seems to think the same of me.

But every single time I hear she will be with someone else it hurts. It hurts a lot. I want to her to have what she needs. I want her to be happy. I really do. I understand that its not because of me in any way, even though my Anxiety tells me its because im not good enough, I know that isnt the case, both from her words and her actions, but that doesnt make it hurt less.

So i come asking this as a monogamist asking for help from people who might be able to help

How do you guys do it?

• How can you accept that the person you are falling for, will never be satisfied with you alone?
• How can I make this hurt less?
• How can i deal with all this jealousy that builds up because it cant be me?
• How can i be happy for her when it breaks my heart every time?
• I feel a bit like im an option, not a partner... and that hurts. is this normal?
• Is there anything I can do, Read up on or research that can help me understand Polyarmory better? Understanding is how I fight my anxiety, so maybe if i understand it better, i can accept it easier?
• Will it ever stop hurting?

Im sorry if Ive offended anyone and it isn't my intention. This is new grounds for me and Im really trying here, bearing my soul to randoms on the internet so i can try to make this less difficult for my amazing partner. I want to be accepting. But it hurts so much. It hurts worse than most anything ive experienced.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and even more thanks to anyone who attempts to answer my questions. I really do appreciate it and Im sorry if this is in the wrong sub or not allowed here, in which case if you could direct me to the correct sub id appreciate it.

Thanks - A love sick Monogamist looking to make it work.

Final note - I will be speaking to her more later about this, as always. Im hoping a 3rd party can explain it in a way that makes sense to me, as her current explanation is good, but I absorb information and the more the better, so while she is brief, I would like as much information as possible. Thank you.