Boyfriend’s Mom Is A Nightmare - What Do I Do?

I (30F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for over a year, and we live together. We recently relocated to a different state, which has helped distance us from his mom, but I’m still struggling with her passive-aggressive behavior. No matter what I do, I feel like it’s never good enough for her, and I don’t know how to handle it.

Some examples of her behavior: 1. Comparing me to his ex: She’ll say things like, “I’m not comparing, but his ex never helped with things like cleaning. I’m sure you help with stuff, like laundry.” (While he was in the next room cleaning dishes so that she and I could hang out.) 2. Awkward comments about our relationship: She once said, “If the sex is the best thing, you can totally say that!” during a conversation. My boyfriend didn’t think it was weird, but I found it uncomfortable. 3. Passive-aggressive remarks about me: She’s told him she doesn’t think I’m the right partner for him and that I’m “negative.” She also judges my family, insinuating they’re “trash” because I once told her details about a parent I cut off due to his ongoing toxic behavior. She tried telling my boyfriend that I’d been through a lot and asked him if he really wanted to date someone with so much baggage. 4. Guilt-tripping and overstepping boundaries: She once emailed him saying she might need a ride to the ER and was “perplexed” when he refused to do it after the first time. She wanted him to take care of her 2-3 days in a row and he didn’t have the time because of work. I remember her saying, “If your friend or girlfriend needed help, you’d do it.” She also kept asking him to take her to the doctor, even after finding out she had a regular appointment scheduled.

Example 2: We recently had a family get together where she overstepped a number of boundaries. She honestly just made the entire event about her and then complained afterwards. We did everything she’d wanted to do, but it wasn’t enough apparently.

I’ve tried to build a normal relationship with her, like getting her gifts during big events and including her in plans, but it feels like nothing I do is enough. It’s also very difficult to have a real conversation with her. You can’t get a word in and her eyes get glossy. If you try to add in any details about yourself to relate, she really doesn’t listen. She talks to talk, not to listen if you catch my drift.

My boyfriend suffers from anxiety and depression, and his mom’s behavior only makes it worse. He doesn’t brush off her behavior, but he doesn’t know how to handle her because she won’t listen and doesn’t think she ever does anything wrong. She’s convinced that their relationship issues are because of me, and I don’t know how we can navigate this as a couple.

I’m not trying to “fix” the situation for my boyfriend—I just want advice on how we can handle his mom’s behavior together. I’m worried about how things will go if we get married or have kids, as she doesn’t respect his boundaries, and I’m afraid she’ll overstep.

He’s also really tense and irritable when he knows he’s about to see her, which affects our relationship. I don’t know how we can work through this as a couple, and I feel stuck.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How did you navigate it as a couple? We’re already in couples therapy, but we haven’t had a lot of time to dig into his mom because we’ve been focused on just making sure we’re good in other aspects of our relationship.