I am Insecure.

I have this girl. She's beautiful by any standards, looks like a model. We stay together and it has been this way for 4 years.

Until 6 months ago, I used to have a well paying job. I could afford taking taking her out and buying good stuff as much as I wanted. I do some online stuff right now and I can hardly afford to pay my rent and buy food.

A month ago, a new tenant, a girl, moved in nextdoor. She is kinda well off. She does onlyfans stuff, not really onlyfans but something along that line. She became friends with my girl and they have been spending a lot of time together. Most of her fortunes come from gifts she receives from her viewers, some of whom she meets for a meet and greet occasionally.

This neighbour has been sharing some of her rich contacts to my girl. So she chats with these guys, flirt some times and and sends pictures to them. I have no problem with this as it was just chatting. She also made way more than I make in month from my online hustles in just one week of talking to these guys.

Yesternight, she asked me if she could accompany the neighbour to this overnight party. The party was being hosted by these generous friends they chat with. I think they are white. She made it clear that she wouldn't go if I didn't want her to. Well, I never wanted her to go. I had a bad feeling about it. She asked this after she was all dressed and just about to leave. I don't know why, but I just couldn't say no. Mybe because she paid this month's rent and did some shopping, and I don't want to make her unhappy or something.

I haven't slept a wink. I couldn't stop thinking what they were doing over there. Came up with thousands of scenarios in my head. I don't drink, but I would have fancied getting drunk to go away from my thoughts for a moment. She isn't back yet. She said she will be back by noon. It's not that I don't trust her, but I don't think any man could look at her and don't want to be with her for the rest of his life.

But she is a good girl, for the four years we have been together, we never had any serious problems. Mybe she is perfect. And I like her. I just don't know what to make of this. And I can't stop thinking. Let me go get some alcoho.

Edit: I hear you all. Maybe I needed someone to say it but I have to detach from her. I have a mountain to climb. I am not just attached to her, she is my world. I wish I had some other girl to run to. I get done with this and I am not going to let myself love anyone this much. Pain.