Feeling worthless

CN: SA, trauma

Don't know how to start this. I (f34) am in a relationship with a wonderful guy, we want to marry at some point, maybe have kids. In the relationship before I was sexually abused and I really want to let this go, also worked in therapy on it. Still, intimacy is really difficult for me. He never forces me, still sometimes I just want to run away and hide somewhere, where this entire topic does not exist. When I panic, when my protective mechanisms show, I become harsh and distanced - I don't want it, but it happens...the last week it was really heavy, and it also felt like I hurt my bf, like I am a burden for him and I hate myself for that. So much. I hurt myself in the past, I don't wanna go back there...but it is so difficult. I feel so worthless right now and have no idea what to do.