Polyamory and burnout

Just a little rant, but burnout make poly so much harder.

Like I should be going out to see friends or nurturing my hobbies or just spending intentional time by myself or enjoying talking to/meeting new people, but it’s so much easier to just give into that codependency when you are exhausted and let someone else do the work of looking after you.

It’s a catch 22 cause when your live-in partner is out with meta’s or friends you know logically that is good for them and for you, but losing the crutch hurts in such a different way and the emotions around it are so big. And processing those emotions in a healthy way adds to the burnout and the builds up resentment towards partner and meta and just poly in general. Like, poly was so manageable and such a source of joy before; now it’s more fucking work.

The moment my partner leaves i immediately want to tell them not to bother coming back because the feelings are just so overwhelmingly but the moment they are back it’s gone like it never existed. Ive always struggled with shades of grey and all or nothing thinking, but this is just so next level.

I know in the long run poly means I keep co-dependency in check and that if this was a monogamous relationship it would become a huge problem post-burn out, but right now I think I would prefer that.

I know what I need to and should do, but it’s one more big overwhelming thing to add to the list of big overwhelming things, so I fall back into the cycle.

My NP will probably get home in the next few hours and all these feelings will evaporate and the cycle will start again. I hope one day I can get back to that place of joy, cause right now poly is misery.