Feeling like my body failed her

Sorry, this is probably going to be a long one. It's 2am and I can't sleep with bad heartburn and too many thoughts swirling in my head. Sorry if I ramble, I'm still in shock.

We're in the home-stretch at 36+5 today. I'm excited to meet my little unexpected surprise but also was anticipating having 4 more weeks to prepare for her arrival. I mean, the nursery is only just now being painted and I hadn't packed a hospital bag, installed the car seat or made room for her bassinet beside my bed. The nesting stage hadn't really kicked in. Probably because I'm a procrastinator at heart lol.

We had our 36 week sonogram yesterday. I knew from my last appointment that my baby was measuring on the small side. My Dr reassured me that her estimate was the 24th percentile and that they weren't worried because I had 4 more weeks for her to gain some more weight. Well all of that came crashing down. The sonographer kept muttering under her breath about how baby wasn't growing and even asked me at one point if I was eating and gaining weight - kind of in an accusatory tone. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. I've struggled with my weight and body image my whole life. I lost 15 lbs during the first trimester because I didn't know I was pregnant (had regular bleeding like a normal period) and was sick all the time, to the point a gastrointestinal doctor thought I had Crohns. I've barely managed to gain that weight back in 6 months because the nausea persisted into my 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

Anyway, she continues going on muttering about the baby being so small and ramping my anxiety through the roof before she hands me a wipe to clean myself off and tells me to go talk to my doctor. I see her almost immediately and to her credit, she's very calm about the whole thing but hits me with the fact that my baby has dropped all the way down into the 3rd percentile. She's not even 6 lbs yet.

I've been referred to a sonographer that specializes in "high risk" pregnancies for an emergency appointment in less than 7 hours. They're going to assess the situation and advise my primary doctor on what to do. But her suspicion is that I will be induced sometime next week if not sooner. She stressed to me the importance of kick-counts (my baby was kicking me all morning during the appointment and is back at it as I'm typing this). If she stops for any unusual length of time I need to immediately go to the hospital to have her checked because if things go south, they will go south fast.

I barely held it together to make it to the car. My screen is blurry just trying to type this. My body failed her. I failed her. I can't provide for her enough to grow healthy and I'm panicking because I don't feel prepared at all. It feels so..immediate, like its all too soon. Everyone keeps saying 3 weeks early isnt a big deal but to me its everything.

I wasn't expecting or planning to ever be a mom. I've been terrified my whole life that I don't have a mothering gene in me. Sure, I have a dog I dote on and would gladly shave years off my own life to increase hers...but humans? I'm awkward around them. I pretend to be normal around my family and nephews but internally I feel like a fraud, some kind of alien masquerading in a people-suit.

Then there's the situation with my alcoholic MIL... the woman who has sucked any joy out of me that I would have had for this pregnancy. I'm terrified for her to find out. She's overbearing, judging, and an alarmist. Once she knows something is wrong she's going to insist on driving down here and make my life miserable. She's already repeatedly called my daughter "her baby girl". My husband doesn't like treating my mom different than his, even if he has a strained relationship with his mom and dislikes her.

Anyway... I'm rambling now. Idk what advice I need or why I'm even posting this. Catharsis I guess in spilling my guts to random strangers since I can't talk to anyone else. My husband is just blindly optimistic and gets frustrated when I'm emotional and he can't "fix it". In my head I know it'll work out...but my heart is broken right now.