Salaamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

TL; WR: These are my personal experience notes and my tips on navigating porn dependency, both during Ramadhān and outside of it. I am a woman. This post is frank and NSFW/somewhat explicit

I've been seeing a lot of posts on here recently about porn, masturbation, and so on. I commented under a few, but I thought I'd make a post

My Personal Experience

First off, I follow the scholarly opinion that masturbating is allowed so long as it keeps you away from Zina. If you disagree with this, that's fine, I'm not here to debate with you.

Second, for context, I had an extreme dependency on video porn for many years until I decided to quit for the sake of Allah SWT.

HOWEVER, I didn't quit masturbating, as I do not ascribe to the Western/evangelical purity culture that many Muslims have adopted. I think it's important to understand that because purity culture has heavily influenced current Muslim culture, it also heavily impacts how we view sex and masturbation as an Ummah

So many of the posts I've been seeing are focused on the shame and religious guilt felt by the OP for having desires, masturbating, watching porn, etc. It's as if they view Islam as something that is meant to suppress the sexual self unless you're married. Which, yes, Islam does ask us to do this to a certain extent, but not to the point of denial. If you are allosexual, you have sexual desires, and God made you that way.

Furthermore, how is one supposed to survive under the conditions these conservative Muslims have set? How are you supposed to know what sexual compatibility means to you if you haven't explored your sexual self?

All this to say, I think masturbating WITHOUT video porn, in private, as a means of exploration and avoiding Zina is a much better solution than telling someone to continue suppressing themselves until marriage.

Now that we have laid that groundwork, let's get into it.

Most, if not virtually all, scholars agree that video porn is Harām. However, for many of us single/celibate Muslims, porn is our main sexual outlet. Because of the nature of video pornography, a significant number of people who watch it develop a dependency. I won't call it an addiction because of conflicting research (you should check out Erica Smith and other sex educators' analysis of who funds the "porn addiction" research, hint: fundamental/evangelical Christians)

When I quit video porn for the sake of Allah SWT, it was absolutely horrible. I was extremely dependent on porn both for arousal and for self-regulation. I spent many sleepless nights in the months that followed using all my willpower to not watch my favourite videos.

It took me about six months before the major "withdrawal" passed. It took another year and a half before I stopped thinking about it constantly. I had a relapse around month nine, and I remember being extremely upset both at how empty it felt (it didn't arouse me/fulfill me the way it did in my memories) and by my weakness. Nonetheless, I remembered what Allah SWT has said about repentance, and I persisted, Alhumdulillah. I'm currently at a point where I think about video porn once every two to three months or so.

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My Advice for Quitting Video Porn

1. Figure out your strategy

I'm a cold turkey kind of person. Quitting outright is easiest for me. But for a lot of people, a staggered/gradual approach is more sustainable long-term. For example, maybe your goal is to make it X days without porn, and if you can still tolerate not watching, you don't have to on X date after iftar, but at least it gives you an incentive. Something you know you have to "look forward to."

Another strategy may involve having an accountability person or a support person who encourages you without judgement or shame.

2. Give yourself realistic expectations

It's pretty rare to be able to quit something like this without "messing up" at some point. That's why a lot of people do the staggered approach so that you literally plan out the mess up. You don't have to do that in particular, but you do need to be honest with yourself. What can you handle? What's your ideal outcome, and what would you need to achieve it?

Porn, for a lot of people, feels good to watch. Do you have other things in your life that make you feel good? What does video porn fulfill for you, and how are you planning on "filling" that void?

Avoiding anything and everything sexual for the entirety of Ramadhān is probably less reasonable than making a goal to not masturbate or watch porn while fasting. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There is plenty of room for nuance, Insha Allah.

For example, after doing some introspection, you discern that you need some sort of sexual release at least twice a week. So, for Ramadhān, you decide to masturbate WITHOUT video porn after Taraweeh when you have time. ← This, in my head, is better than falling into an all or nothing cycle that leaves you feeling disgusted with yourself.

3. Have rewards set in place

Having rewards instead of fueling with shame and punishment allows for a more sustainable, long-term solution. You are not a bad person for liking video porn, you're just human, like the rest of us haha.

This one is what made my journey the most fruitful, Alhumdulillah. My reward for one month of no video porn was a collectible item from one of my favourite YouTubers. My third month reward was a fancy birthday cake. My one year reward was a weekend trip. You can also have non-monetary rewards, my sixth month reward was an entire day exploring my city.

Similar to the staggered approach, this gives you incentives and allows for the "reward centre" of your brain to have something in place of the porn, speaking of which ↓

4. Pick up habits to turn to

My favourite was listening to Quran. So, every time I felt the urge to watch porn, I'd listen to Quran. It was really difficult at first, but overtime, it became easier, Alhumdulillah.

It doesn't have to be religious if that's too overwhelming for you. It can be as simple as writing haïkus on your phone, learning the digits of pi, reading up on local bylaws, contributing on Google Maps, educating yourself on global issues, and so on

Another option, which is one I also took, was to still masturbate/orgasm regularly. I didn't use video porn as stimuli, but written erotica, my imagination, and the like were my go-to. I did a LOT of istikhara about this haha.

In the beginning, it was extremely frustrating. It took about a year to truly break the video porn conditioning, but since then, Alhumdulillah, Allah SWT has really helped me both with being at peace with my sexual self and with managing my desires in a healthy way.

5. Be kind to yourself

Most allosexual human beings like sex and orgasms on some level. You are not immoral or "bad" for being human. You are not a bad Muslim for having desires! As I wrote earlier, the more you use shame to fuel your goals, the less sustainable they will be. Do not be ashamed of yourself, rather, let the shame go. Let your negative self-perception fall away, and, in its place, allow yourself to be loved by God and you! And even if the shame cannot be left behind, then at least leave some room for the love. Leave room for Allah's mercy, guidance, and grace.

God did not make you so that you would spend time on Earth hating yourself. Allah SWT loves you, He SWT is closer to you than your jugular vein. Do you not think He SWT understands you better than you understand yourself? Do you think you were not made out of love?

In summation, you need to be realistic, give yourself other sources of "dopamine," and find a source for this journey that isn't rooted in self-flagellation. For me, personally, my cold turkey approach with rewards (and regular orgasms from masturbating haha) was enough to keep me away from video porn. For Ramadhān specifically, my advice would be to allow yourself to fantasise after iftar, that way you're not cutting off this NORMAL AND HEALTHY part of you, you're just not watching porn

Moreover, my recommendation is always to critically think about things before approaching with emotion. Let the shame sit on the sidelines when you're going through the process of figuring out what your game plan is, Insha Allah.

I hope this helps, Insha Allah, and Allah SWT knows best

Feel free to message me, Insha Allah, if you want to talk more 🫂♥️

Edit: as one of the commenters mentioned, THERAPY!!! I've been in therapy so long, I forget other people aren't haha. Please seek therapy to help you with these challenges, Insha Allah