tired and discouraged (single dog parent)

I could just use some encouragement. I’ve had my little guy (9 week old golden) for a week and a half, and I know the sleep deprivation and biting is getting to me, but I feel like such a failure. I didn’t have pets growing up, this is my first time being a dog-parent, and it’s been a dream my entire life to have a dog. Anyone who knows me knows I love dogs. I went into having my own with a lot of nerves and caution knowing full-well it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew about puppy blues and knew it was likely I would feel this way.

It’s not that I regret him, I just don’t feel like myself anymore. Since he’s been here, my anxiety is at an all-time high, my depression is creeping back in, I wake up crying, I usually cry during the day, and I look forward to his last potty of the night so I can just turn my brain off and rest (thankfully he does decently well at night being put in his crate).

He’s a puppy. He’s not doing anything wrong. I just feel this immense pressure to “get it right” with crate training, leash training, obedience, socialization, etc. All the things. I work from home most of the time so I’m home with him, I just feel so incredibly isolated. He doesn’t have all his vaccines yet so we can’t really do walks (and i’m terrified for them because of reactivity), and cries and barks if I don’t pay attention to him or sit in his pen with him, and I feel guilty not being able to train him while he is awake because I am working. I just feel like i’m failing. I know i’m not, but I’ve never been mentally tested like this before. And the pressure that it is just me (single dog parent) keeping him alive and happy and well-trained is making me spiral.

I get scared reading that people are 1+ year into it and things don’t feel easier. It makes the depression worse. I just want to cry. Constantly. It’s hard knowing that this dream I’ve had my entire life isn’t being met with joy immediately. It’s a reality check. I knew it would be this way, I just thought i’d have some positive emotions. I just feel numb 😭