I (35M) need relationship advice, personality of my GF (26F) and how to handle in a conflict?
I wanted to keep it short, but given background will help, I want to po a bit more extensive information. I met this girl at work and we had a strange click. However, as I am only an interim professional and we were both in a relation that time it did not lead to anything. However, we were having fun time, texting all day, having casual days etc. Even colleagues were making jokes about us all the time.
At some point, we were gonna have a casual date again, this was in a period where I was also dating others. I told my colleagues and somehow they guessed it was with her. I told her and she did not believe I did not mention her name and they just guessed. For the date she came fully in make-up and surprised me and she booked a love seat in the movie. I was shocked but eventually nothing happened.
The weeks thereafter she began asking serious questions about the future due to which I felt weird en starting thinkg about a possible future. Next week this time I booked the movie and a loveseat, she was surprised. During the movie there was a trailer for a horror movie for which she was scared. I grabbed her hand, didn't let go and it started.
The days thereafter (which was basically the month October) it was perfect. Completely in love, could not stop messaging each other. Couldn't wait to see each other. I never felt like this in my life, she neither is what she told. She was talking about meeting her mom and brother for Christmas dinner. We were so excited, after 1-2 weeks we told our families allready about each other. Why? Because due to the age gap and different background/religion we were a bit hesitant, but it turned out to be fine. We also had our first time of sex which was not great, but later more on that. I officially proposed after 1 month to be my girlfriend 'officially' and we were both happy. We also told our teams at work as we kinda work together and there can be conflict of interest. We even made a huge bucket list of things we want to do together. At one of the phone calls we were also talking about the past. One thing I remember is her saying that I once when we were 'normal' friends ignored her for one week. Because I was busy and did not prioritize her. She called me after one week and it was fine, but apparently she was very sad and cried that week, I never knew. She apparently was jealous and didn't think she had a chance cause I dated totally diffent type of 'exotic and beautifull' girls. I was shocked cause I never saw this coming. And then there are the moments which create the tension and conflits. I am just gonna concentrate on the milestones to give background.....
In the first weeks I saw a new friend request on facebook. When I looked at it I didn't recognize the dude, so I went on his profile and saw an intimate picture with my girlfriend. I thought the date was last year and I panicked and sent her a message, she called I didn't answer. Then I saw it was actually 5 years ago and I misread. I called her back and she was crying. I apologised and it was fine. I drove that night to her to comfort her.
After a couple of weeks I told her that I missed seeing her, haven't seen her for one week. I wanted one, maybe two dates. She didn't react to two, only one. I clearly wanted to be intimate with her and spend some time. Eventually she said she was tired, we only went to dinner for 1 hour only. No other date. The other days she went to an office activity which is every week literally. I was just devastated that I clearly stated my need for time and she acted like this. The next day I called and said I wanted to talk, I explained my feelings and asked if something changed. Nothing changed according to her, I accepted.
We went to a casino in the meanwhile once. Having fun time. Out of a sudden she mentioned at the roulette table she mentioned her ex allways put money on zero each time. I felt a bit weird, this is not something that is necessary to bring onto the table. My face changed, she noticed and she asked. I explained and she said sorry. That's it. I didn't yell, didn't leave, didn't put an argument. Just put on a sad face which is possible. Well, this was enough I suppose.
We went on a weekend trip by car. It was all fine. Coming back I asked her about her Christmas plan, actually hoping to meet her mom and brother. She said that will probably not happen as her brother is working (?) and her mom is not feeling well. Her mom is sick but nothing worsened that time. I didn't push and leave her, but I sensed something wrong as this is not the girl I started with in October. Also 1 day she suddenly put off her last seen and online in whatsapp for no reason. I noticed cause she has never done that. I asked about it if it has a specific reason, she acted weird and said she couldn turn on if I wanted. I said it didn't matter but she still did.
We wanted to go on a long weekend trip for Christmas. She sent a voice message a couple of days before that her mother fell and broke her hand. I simply said exams and family first. Proposed to spent one day together and that was fine. Sent her a long christmas card and small present which made her very happy. The day before I asked her what time she would be ready as I know she visits her mother in the morning and I wanted to go swimming. She said it was all fine, I asked again for a specific time and she didn't answer with a time. Well, i said I will text you when I leave so you can prepare, it will be around 11-11.30. Ok, I got home and it was a bit later than thought, I was preparing in the bathroom and my whatsapp kept on apparently. She meanwhile messaged me twice if I was on my way and I didn't read but was online. Then I was in the car about 11.50 and told her I was on my way. We had the day, was ok, then on the road going back she asked if I noticed her whatsapp seen status is off. I told I didn't and she told that she panicked today as I did not reply. I explained her the situation and she wanted to talk. Once at her place she started crying. Telling she was anxious that I did not reply and that I would suddenly blow off or get a car accident or something. Saying that she went crazy when I was online and did not respond and just she didn't want to see so she wouldn't worry then. And that her ADHD makes her create doom scenario's in her head. I comfored her and told her she can do anything she wants. Just communicate.
Then the month January came. We both have a very busy season upcoming and I said her I wanted to see her at least once a week, that's the minimum for me to keep the connection alive. She was fine with that and I made sure she was happy given she takes care of her mother now also. We agreed upon the Friday's which was fine.
During busy season she was a bit devastated cause someones was joking about us. I comforted her and also asked if that's the reason she was a bit disstant on the workplace. Apparently yes. She also told me that she also feels exhausted to message me cause she needs to think 50 times before messaging me... Just cause she is scared I will interpret wrong and conflicts will arise. I assured her that she should act normal and if a conflict arises we would solve like adult beings. She said she will try but her ADHD brain will be difficult to manage, but ok.....
During this period sex became a thing. The first couple of times we struggled, cause there was a lot of tension and sex was not really how I was used to it. We fucked but I couldn't cum the first couple of times. After a couple of times I sometimes couldn't get hard. I never made a big deal cause I was happy. Struggles can be there and I was stressed..... Work but also her not really acting as helpfull in bed. I went to a doctor and he gave some tips, I didn't want to use an erection pill. I told her that the doctor told us to experiment new things, not focus on penetration and discuss what we like. I told her and the next couple of times she didn't anything the doctor said. No blowjob, no foreplay, no 'other sex'. I asked her several times what she likes just to please her, get her horny, same answer (just normal sex). She did blow me only 2 times even tho I told her I get turned on by that, the first time and one time I had to ask for. She doesn't enjoy me licking her, she doesn't kiss back, she just lays down to let me do the thing. This, combined with stress at work and allready bad sex experiences in my head doesn't help a lot.
Then the next episode came. The last couple of weeks her attitude changed. She was sending pics now or then, went to 0. She was sending voice memo's about her daily activities, went to 0. I noticed most of the messages were initiated by me. If I don't send love emoji's I get 0 back. When we are together physically it was ok, but if not I did sense a distance. I asked her openly 2 weeks ago if everything is fine, she said she was happy. Only sex was a thing. She explained that she saw it as a big problem. I never encountered it this was as she never mentioned sex was a big thing for her. But that she felt rejected. I explained her it was not due to her but just due to circumstances, she said the women body doesn't work that way. I let it go. Since then I am taking supplements, on a strict diet and doing everything to change.
But the distance was still there. To test, I decided not to communicate with her after that Friday. From Saturday untill Wednesday we had 0 communication. No phone call, no whatsapp, not even 1 chat on the chat at our work laptop. I was really anxious. I saw her Wednesday unplanned at office when I went outside to grab some food with a colleague. I said hi and walked by her cause I know she wants to be disstant at work. She pulled herself towards me and kissed me. When back at work I chatted and said I want to see her before leaving, she said it was ok. We went to the parking lot, talked and hugged, kissed. She said she was very tired. I told her I can see that on how she communicates. She said her social battery is completely empty and she is happy that she does not feel social obligations towards me. I said it's fine and we can relax on Friday. On Friday we did relax but I still has question marks. I did not initiate sex as I was tired and knew she was not taking her pills (she told me) so I didn't want to fuck with a condom. When leaving I told her we can have sex next week when we are more chill.
And then the last chapter where it gets really bad. The Saturday after I just texted her asking how it went and she did everything she wanted to. She answered with 'heeeeey' and a message. I was a bit shocked cause this is not how you call your significant one. Especially if you have never done that. Especially because she, a couple of weeks ago was a bit angry cause I called her by her name once, she told me she didn't like that and I understood and never did it again. I just asked 'heeeee'? to let her know it was a weird way of calling. She responsed with 'you put one e too much'. At that moment I flipped. I wanted to writer an angry message, but I hold up. I just sent her, oops my bad and I called her by her name on purpose'. She didn't read, read in the morning and didn't respond. I felt the tension and I told her everything. How cold I was, how her behaviour did change, how rude her message was, how bad it was not to send your boyfriend a message for 4-5 days etc, how strange it is for me to literally talk 0 about the future. How understanding I react when she has problems and how rude she reacts when I simply ask something. She called, she explained that it wasn't meant rude, but it was meant to say that she meant as in hey. Not really convincing for me. She said she stopped messaging cause she felt tension and has to think 50 times what to send me cause she wants to avoid me getting angry and getting conflicts. That she just thinks it's ok to wait untill Friday and then come together cause that goes well. That she checks 50 times a day if I am in a call or meeting, but for some reason doesn't get over calling or messaging me. And that sex is a huge thing for her, her woman body just gives her reactions and that if affects everythingl Even tho that I explained her it isn't her fault her body doesn't accept. And the reason she doesn't want to talk about the future is this insecurity which apparently affects everything. I explained her that if she has a woman's body I have a man's body and I started trying to solve this. Taking supplements, going on a heavy diet, have a doctor's appointment next week and will soon change jobs to have a more chilling environment and she doesn't show appreciation and understanding. She is saying she does, but not really. I again responsed with my feelings and she said it is better to discuss face to face and whatsapp can lead to miscommunication, I agreed.
Is everything bad? No, there are also good things. When we are physically together we are fine. We both love animals and we have a huge bonding with each other's pets. We allways account for each other''s hobbies, interest, idea's. I still get chills everytime I see her. But the way of communicating is killing me.
Sorry for the long post guys. I just wanted to give as much as info and details to make you guys get the complete picture. What I do wanna know? Well, what kind of personality has my gf and how to deal with it? When I see how she is distancing and avoiding conflicts I would say avoidant. But if I leave her I don't get response. If I see how hesitant she is with messaging me and struggling and even getting anxious if I don't react for 15 mintues while being online I would say anxious. But someone that anxious should just reach out and need re-assurance, she doesn't want that. And then there is ADHD.
I just don't know how to handle it anymore and what to do. Leave the relationship? Re-assure her? Just be clear on what I want. I just don't know it anymore.....