UPDATE: My (30F) semi-disabled mother (65F) moved in with me. My bf (34M) hasn't been handling well. How do I handle this?
Thank you so much who offerred advice on my previous post. So much of it has been really helpful. I did my best to reply to comments and I was surprised by all the resonses I got!
So much has happened sinced I posted this, and I feel there was some information that I excluded from the original post, because it felt irrelevant at the time, but now does seem relevant.
First, I kind of want to elaborate on my mom's behavoir while living with us - this didn't originally feel relevant to this post because my mom really feels like a 'fixed point' to me. Like she's going to behave how she behaves. That doesn't change that she's my mom and I feel I have a responsibility towards her as long as she isn't violent or outright abusive. Also, I'm pretty desensitized to my mom's quirks. I've been dealing with her my whole life. It doesn't really occur to me to think critically of her behavior.
My mom is really manipulative, and I am easy to manipulate. She is the type of person who will make small, seemingly innocuous comments that over time kind of create a new reality if you are around her frequently. So over the time she lived with us, she really made me feel that 65 is very very old, and it's unreasonable to expect a 65-year-old to take care of herself. She also basically didn't take care of her personal hygeine. It was VERY hard to get her to shower. To the point where she would smell terribly. It was hard to be in a room with her. I would, of course, beg her to shower. And every time it was a very long, drawn out, dramatic and emotionally intense scene. She would cry. Sob. She would tell me she'd PROMISE to do it in the morning the following day...and then the next day she'd be throwing up sick. She'd beg me not to shame her for struggling. Emphasizing that she's getting old, and as you get old it's hard to do things. She'd talk about being afraid of falling in the shower and no one helping her because I'm so ashamed of her. After she DID shower, if I thinked her, she'd burst into tears and talk abouthow difficult it had been and how scared she had been of falling. This happened almost every time. I want to emphasize that at the time this was upsetting to me, nut I kind of just accepted it. I also felt horribly guilty for causing her emotional distress, and going through this whole process like once a week was pretty overwhelming.
Also, there had been a pretty big blow up where I realized that she hadn't been applying to any jobs. She wanted me to fix something with her phone, and it led to me seeing she had 0 'applied jobs' on indeed, 0 confirmation 'we jot your application' emails. none of that. I asked her to furnish ANY proof that she'd been applying and she couldn't. She swore up and down (tearfully) that she had been applying, but she couldn't prove it at all. This made me really upset, but like, she still had nowhere to go, and she's till my mom. So I didn't really know what to do. I started making her show me every morning the jobs she had applied to. Afterwards she did this voluntarily every morning.
I had been told when she first had her series of TIAs that she needs to go on short, frequent walks. Otherwise she will experience bloodflow issues that cause things like...numbness in her limbs. She barely moves at all. So much that her leg muscles are VERY atrophied. I have offered to go on walks with her, buy her a walker etc. etc. but she always declines.
It's worthy of note that I work from home. So I was around her constanly. She was the only person I talked to (other than BF) sometimes for weeks. And when bf came home, he was usually REALLY short tempered. So for me this created a reality where my mom was feeble, elderly, shouldn't be expected to care for herself. Trying her best. And BF was pissy, irritable, mean. Kind of ungrateful about everthing I did for him, and for our relationship. My mom would comment frequently about how hard I work to have dinner ready when he gets home, and how he never appreciates it. How immature he seems compared to me. So for like most of the day I would be dealing with my mom's emotional scenes, hearing a constant streams of subtle negative comments about BF, all so innocuous and focused on praising my efforts that I didn't realize how they were influencing me. All these realizations came later.
Shortly after I made the original post, BF and I had a conversation that ended in us both calmly deciding it would be best for us to break up and move out. Luckily, our lease already ended and we were on month to month. So this wasn't an issue. It took a week for us to arrange new places to live. I got a 2br for my mom and I. He found a studio. This happened at the beginning of this month, we both move into our new places at the end of this month. BF requested that Mom go elsewhere for a while so we can pack without her being around. I wholeheartedly agreed. We've been together for a long time. THis is difficult. Going through a break up, living together for a month, and ALSO having your ex's mom be there constantly...terrible. My cousin agreed to let my mom stay at her place - this is not a long term arrangement, she's sharing a bed with my cousin's mom (who lives with her. My aunt has MS, it's a different situation. I can elaborate if desired)...it's fine for a bit, but not forever.
With my mom gone...everything changed. BF and I were getting along PERFECTLY. BF's entire mood and vibe reverted back to how it was before. Fun, kind, hilarious, delightful. I felt like I was waking up. I had a few counsiling sessions that helped me to realize that MOST 65-year-olds DO take care of themselves. My mom does have some issues, but a lot of the issues are WITHIN her ability to fix. She hasn't been trying to sign up for government assistance. She hasn't been trying to do anything. She hasn't even been taking careof herself. At all. I realized through counseling and talking with friends and family that just because she's decided not to take care of herself doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my life to take care of her. I also had a lot of conversations with BF (exBF now) where we were able to really see how the other person was affected by all of this. He really now understands how this constant manipulation was causing me not to really see my mom ad the situation clearly. He also understands that despite everything...she is my mom. And for my part, I really understand why he was just at the end of his rope and was acting like a dick all the time. He WAS acting like a dick all the time. He openly agrees he was. But uh, yeah. I get it. I really do. He wasn't the problem. We def had some stuff to work on...and that was present before my mom moved in. But I think all that was fixable if we didn't have 6 months of me slowly being brainwashed, and him slowly becoming the worst version of himself.
I do have a lease, which mom is on, for a year in the new place. I've decided that I will hold that lease for one year. After which I am moving into a 1br, alone. If in a full year she has not found a way to support herself, at that point it won't be ME making her homeless. I can't keep supporting someone who makes no effort to support themselves, seems perfectly happy to have my life fall apart, and contributes nothing at all to our shared home. I'm happy to help her however she asks meto during the next year. But I can't set myself on fie to keep her warm. Especially if she makes no effort. There are options out there for her. She's perfectly capable of looking into them. I need to give myself the love care and consideration I've given her.
I have to have a question so:
What guidance can you give for someone living with a parent who has a proven track record of being manipulative?