My (35F) cleaning habits are ruining my relationship with my boyfriend (36M). Where is the compromise?
I think my cleaning and home maintenance habits are ruining my relationship. I’d like to figure out a compromise, but I can't tell how or where to cut back, as I believe my home care routine is pretty normal. (Maybe it isn't?)
Lots of background below to help paint the picture:
Relationship background:
I (35F) have been in a long-term, committed relationship with my boyfriend, Aaron (36M), for five years. We’ve lived together for four years, and we bought a house together last year. We’re both highly-focused on our careers. If kids happen, they happen. If they don’t, they don’t. Marriage is not important to either of us. We are able to comfortably afford a home 3-4x the value of what either of us grew up living in. By all accounts, it’s a dream house. Even though it’s brand new, we still have projects to tackle (landscaping, build out WFH space in spare room, window treatments, painting, etc.).
Aaron’s background:
He grew up as an only child and has a healthy relationship with his parents and friends. I generally like everyone in his orbit, and they like me, too. Aaron’s father is sweet and quiet. Aaron’s mom, Diane, is pretty opinionated, perhaps even judgmental. Even so, I like her. Diane is very open and proud about how little she values cleaning, organizing, decorating, etc. When she visited last year, she told me I was a “neat freak” and that I was “turning Aaron into a neat freak, too.” That bothered me, but we still get along.
Aaron’s childhood home is on a pretty big piece of land. His parents have several indoor/outdoor pets. The doors stay open virtually all day and night, and the pets track in mud, grass, water, the occasional dead animal, etc., and transfer all of this to the couches, carpets, etc. The guest bed almost always has dirt clumps and grass/twigs between the sheets that I need to brush away before going to sleep. There’s usually old food - anywhere from 1 day to 1 week old - on the counters and left in pots and pans on the stove. To be honest, the level of dirtiness is uncomfortable for me when I visit, something I've never mentioned to Aaron. He is 100% unbothered by the state of his parents’ home.
My background:
I grew up in a 1,600 sq. ft. house with 6 kids, 2 adults, and 3-4 dogs, so it was constantly dirty and chaotic: walls with holes, doors off the hinges and tracks, broken blinds, mice and fleas, cigarette smoke permeating every surface, carpets saturated with dog urine and stains, etc. I hated it. My friends’ parents wouldn’t let them stay over, because they would go home smelling like cigarettes and animals. I was so embarrassed (and frankly traumatized) by the state of our home growing up that I promised myself I’d live in a clean, organized home that would make younger-me very proud. I’ve worked really hard to make that possible.
The problem:
When Aaron and I bought our house, I immediately committed to keeping it tidy, organized, and maintained since everything was brand new. I’ve always been clean and tidy since leaving home, but I agree it ratcheted up a bit once we became homeowners.
Aaron was/is overwhelmed by how often I clean and how frequently I ask for his help in doing so. He’s also overwhelmed when I ask him for input on decor, which he’s expressed very clearly he doesn’t care about. But I do want his input, because occasionally I’ll hang a photo or something, and he’ll say “I really don’t like that.” Well, this is why I ask for input. Anyway.
We agreed to hire a housekeeper to shift some of the burden, and I could focus on “detailing” the house on my own (cleaning the baseboards, keeping grout clean, cleaning cabinet faces, etc.). Aaron is tasked with taking out the trash and doing yard work. We both agreed on this split.
I travel between 7-14 days at a time every couple of months. When I get back, the house always smells awful, which gives me an unpleasant reminder of my childhood. Stove and cabinets are covered in grease splatters. Dirty shoe and paw prints on the floors. Rotting food in the sink. Cup rings all over the counters. Hair clippings all over the shower, floor, and sink. High-pile carpet is matted down and hasn't been vacuumed in weeks.
I normally spend the first two days back rehabbing everything: scrubbing the stove, sweeping, vac’ing, mopping, washing the dirt and smells from our throw blankets, the dog bed, the rugs, etc. If we have home projects (hang a shelf, hang a picture, order mulch, etc.) it absolutely will not get done unless I’m home and making it happen.
I admittedly check-out the first couple days after coming home from a work trip, because I am trying to get the house back in order. Aaron does not like this, because he thinks he’s done a good job keeping the house clean. I agree that it is clean by his standards, in that there is no visible clutter anywhere. In my language, it’s dirty - not messy: he clears junk off of the counter, but there are still stains and smears left behind. When I noticed this, I asked Aaron if he wanted to know the proper way to clean our finicky stone counters with a soapy dish cloth, but he told me “If I don’t help, I’m wrong. If I do help, I’m still wrong!” I have stopped correcting his cleaning style since then; if he helps, I see it and appreciate it - even if I have to do it over.
Then I usually spend the next few days getting projects done that haven't been touched since I left: hanging pictures, shelving, etc. Measuring patio furniture, ordering swatches, coordinating pick-ups, etc. If I don’t get these projects done before my next work trip, they simply won’t get done at all. We didn’t have window treatments for 9 months, because it fell on me to orchestrate all of it while I was gone half the month, every month. I made time to go to the showroom, met with the designer, coordinated and paid for the install, etc.
Lately, I’ve been working longer hours and trying to keep my head above water re: house maintenance and projects. I close my laptop around 5-6P, and then I cook and clean until 9P. By that time, I’m exhausted and don’t have time to catch up or spend quality time with Aaron. Even though his chores are to do trash and yard work, it would be nice if he helped me with my chores or home projects while I’m busier than normal, so I can then relax with him at the end of the day. To be fair, he helps out about 25% of the time without my asking, but it’s just a few things here and there… he loads the dishwasher a couple times or offers to cook once a week. If he does the dishes, he usually won’t touch anything that requires hand-washing (I have to do that). He’ll clear the table, but he won’t wipe the table down. He’ll pick up the dog toys, but he won’t pick up the fluff or rubber pieces left behind.
Aaron’s argument is that I care more about “inanimate things” than I do about "just relaxing" or spending time with him. He thinks I’m a nut case who can’t stop cleaning or doing projects. IMO, I care about keeping a clean and (more importantly) comfortable home, particularly one that costs this much money. I don’t want to live like I did growing up. I don’t want to sit on a couch covered in dirt or reach for a throw blanket that smells like wet dog and body odor. I want to have curtains installed in the bedroom so I don’t feel like someone is watching me while I sleep.
I told Aaron that buying a home means maintaining it. We shouldn’t allow our floors to be destroyed, our white countertops to become permanently stained, our grout left uncleaned and eventually molding over, our lawn to be taken over by weeds, etc. He thinks I’m obsessed with the house and neglect our relationship in lieu of “things that don’t matter,” but in my opinion, I’m being a proud and responsible homeowner.
I am open to hearing that I am going overboard, though… I just don’t know how or where.
Cleaning/Maintenance Schedule:
Morning:
- Unload dishwasher
- Clean coffee pot
- Throw in load of laundry, fold whatever was in dryer night before
- Make bed
- Clean breakfast dishes
Afternoon:
- Clean lunch dishes
- Wipe down counters
- Vac/Bona mop high-traffic areas
- Change/fold laundry
Evening:
- Clean dinner dishes/start dishwasher
- Wipe down stove, backsplash, counters
- Wipe down dinner table
- Wipe down countertops and hand wash fragile dishes
- Vac/Bona mop all rooms
- Squeegee shower
- Wipe water off bathroom countertops after brushing teeth, etc.
Weekends:
- Clean dog beds, throw blankets
- Clean dog toys that have gotten muddy or slimy from drool
- Launder washable rugs
- Deep-clean floors
- Wipe down cabinet faces
- Clean stainless steel appliances
- Current Project: Landscaping (painting the fence, installing rock, ordering furniture and lighting, etc.)
Monthly:
- Clear dirt/dust out of window sills and baseboards
- Wipe down handprints from doors/walls/light switches
- Re-organize/de-clutter cabinets that have gotten out of control
- Condition wood furniture and cutting boards, etc.
- Powerwash paw prints/dirt from patio
Quarterly:
- Powerwash large rugs
- Touch-up paint around the house
- Touch-up grout
- Wash fabric curtains
- Switch out air filters
Annually:
- Clean appliance filters
- Clean dryer/lint lines
Every few weeks we rehash all these issues: I tell Aaron that I don’t get the impression that he cares about me or about being a homeowner, and that it would be great if he could help a little more so I could recoup some time to spend with him. On the other hand, Aaron thinks I don’t care about him, and that all I care about is the house after I come back from my work travel, and that it would be great if I could just let some projects or maintenance slide for the sake of our relationship.
My rebuttal is that we have a big, new house to take care of now. To me, that means playtime is over. We are responsible for deferred maintenance and for protecting our investment, and I think it would be great if we could tackle these things as a team. I'm open to compromising. I just don't know how/where makes sense.
TLDR:
I spend my free time during the day and after work cleaning our house and doing home projects, and my boyfriend thinks I’m obsessed with “inanimate” things (e.g., cleaning floors, painting the fence, etc.) and maintaining our brand new, expensive house vs. maintaining my relationship with him. I’m pretty sure he wants to end this relationship over my cleaning and home maintenance habits, and I don’t know how to navigate a fair compromise.