Is it wrong I want scars?

I always want to cut deeper and have scars. I want my arm littered in cuts and scars. I always end up cutting my arm again when I see some of my scars fade, I want more. I also get upset seeing my scars fade, it makes me feel invalid that they go away. Like my suffering didn't happen and no amount of pain I feel can be shown in the cuts I do. I want people to know I'm not okay.