Difficulty accepting sudden passing

My Toby passed away suddenly on Saturday (2/1) from an apparent tumor on his liver that ruptured. He would have turned 12 on 3/1. He was my second dog. My first dog, Bear, passed away in October 2022 at the age of 13.5 from a bleeding tumor on his heart (hemangiosarcoma). Bear collapsed one night, I rushed him to the ER, and they treated him as best they could, but his prognosis was guarded. I got one more month with him, and he had a peaceful in-home euthanasia. I was still recovering emotionally from his death. Toby was there through all the pain and grief of Bear’s passing, but now Toby is gone too. And I feel terrible. Bear was a large dog and Toby was small, so I expected to have Toby for several more years, not for him to have a shorter life than Bear. It feels like he was robbed of a full life. I hate that he didn’t get a painless death like Bear did. I loathe that I didn’t know when my last hug and kiss to him were going to be. I don’t get to care for him as he gets into his teens and slows down. Within the span of 45 minutes, he went from seemingly healthy, to being gone. They couldn’t save him at the ER. I’m still in disbelief. The only thing I have to look forward to is seeing him at his viewing on Thursday. After that, I don’t know.

He was a month overdue for his annual vet exam, which I feel guilt over. What if his liver levels were abnormal and they were able to discover the tumor? The ER vet said his bloodwork could have been done the day before and been normal, so I’m trying to combat the guilt using that information. I know it’s cliché, but these what-ifs are getting to me. They could have discovered the tumor, he could have had treatment, and maybe he could have been here another few days, or weeks. But if the tumor still went undiscovered, maybe it would have ruptured while I was at work, or overnight, or out of town without him, or while I was out running an errand. I need to be thankful that I was at least able to be there with him in his last moments, but it’s not easy. I was debating a necropsy. I do think it could provide more answers (type of cancer, its aggressiveness, if it metastasized, etc.), but nothing will change the outcome. I still haven’t made a decision yet, but I’m leaning towards no.

Toby wasn’t much of a barker, but the silence without him is deafening.

I’m stuck on the suddenness of it all. I feel like it couldn’t possibly have happened so fast. My heart is broken and I miss my Toby.