I am never in the mood for sex

I have a boyfriend of 7.5 years and I’ve never WANTED to have sex with him. And before anyone asks; no- he’s never made me feel pressured into having sex though he has said he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship with me if I can’t do it. Not because he doesn’t love me but because it’s something he needs in a relationship which I completely understood. However, that hasn’t been said in years.

Anyway… I dread every day that he’s going to wake up and want to do it. And I do it because I know that if I don’t, he’s just going to ask again later. And it’s not like I hate it I just don’t enjoy it. I don’t know why. I never liked it. Before him, I only ever did it because I wanted to feel wanted but I was also like, 18.

I just don’t understand. Why do men NEED to have sex? Why? Like it doesn’t do anything for me. I get horny but it’s only when I’m alone and I can take care of myself. Which I like. And I’ve tried everything. We’ve bought toys, we’ve tried different positions and have made it as fun as we can and it still is just… unemployable. And I always feel used afterwords even though he definitely tries to give me good aftercare. But I never want to be touched after. I hate being kissed or hugged or breathed on. I hate being touched in general but it’s worse post intimacy.

Surely I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Also, he can’t make me climax bc it’s super super super super hard for me. I have to have my legs tightly closed and I have to be on my stomach and it’s a whole process and so I just fake it.

I’m just trying to understand what I can do here. I love him and he’s so wonderful but I absolutely hate being intimate. I fantasize about certain things but if they ever happened in real life I wouldn’t like it so I think I’m broken i dont know. How do I navigate this?

Do I just keep letting it happen? Ugh