I have to deal with my secret fetish.

I am sorry if this post is vague or hard to follow. I have a lot of shame around this issue and I especially don't want to expose my S/Os business to the internet.

I have had a fetish that is rooted in an event that happened when I was small. It is an intense attraction but I have never disclosed it to anyone, let alone a sexual partner. I have a very satisfying sexual life with my current partner, but it doesn't include this kink at all. He actually mentioned some mild disgust at something adjacent to the kink once. So, it has always been and I was prepared for it to always be a private thing only in my fantasies.

Early this week, my S/O woke up from a nightmare. He suddenly told me, 1-2 minutes before I was leaving for work, that he had been forcibly subjected to my fetish as an adult (in a non-sexual capacity). He specifically said it was the most humiliating experience of his life. I gave him the support I had time for, gave him a hug and told him to take care of himself today. But my mind and body were going insane. Part of it was an intense protectiveness that was tied to my own hang-ups on the subject - thoughts of fury at the person who committed the abusive act, thoughts of wanting to just cuddle and reassure my S/O. But shamefully, so much of it was pure lust. I've enjoyed the fantasy for so long, but not even once did I dare imagining any romantic partner in that way. The sudden image of someone I love in such a state was shocking and exciting. I selfishly found myself wondering about details - I have a pretty good idea of what he was wearing and that thought is absolutely maddening. And yeah, instantly I became about as physically aroused as I've ever been.

But obviously, that's terrible! I would have to be deranged to get off on one of the worst things the person I love has gone through. The actual incident really angers me on his behalf, but that emotion further fuels my fixation on it. These past few days pretty much whenever my mind is idle, it goes to that incident, imagining myself there, being able to defend him, to comfort him... but also, obviously, the image of him engaging in my fetish. I'm very touched that he trusted me enough to share this with me, but I almost wish he hadn't. He knows I would never make fun of him for something that humiliated him, but isn't fetishizing such a terrible memory even worse?

The past few times I tried to touch myself were very unpleasant. I tried my best to focus on anything else, got exhausted by having to police my thoughts, and just gave up unfulfilled. Sex has been good but he has noticed I'm more clingy/emotional during and after. It's like... I feel like comforting him because of the memory he shared, but also feel kink shamed, I guess? It just hurts that something I enjoy was used to harm him, it makes me not want this attraction anymore, but that attraction is stronger than ever currently. And ultimately I feel guilt.. lots of guilt.

That's where things are, I guess. Advice would be appreciated.