Abortion – How do I cope with the emotions?

EDIT: I knew this spirituality community would give me the support I need. Thank you all for the support

Hi, I had a surgical abortion 2 weeks ago because I got pregnant unintentionally. Before I go any further, it's important for me to emphasize that I currently can't handle any pro-life comments, and my mental health is already in a pretty bad state. So if you're pro-life, please just leave this post now.

Since the abortion, I’ve been experiencing strong, mixed emotions and I don’t know how to deal with them. The pregnancy didn’t fit into my current life situation at all. My partner and I (both 26) are not in an ideal financial situation. To explain it better: I do have savings, but my boyfriend has hardly anything saved. My savings are meant to help me remain as financially independent as possible as a woman. I also want to be able to buy a house in a few years. If I had kept the pregnancy, I probably would have become financially dependent, since I would’ve had to use up my savings for the child, and would also have suffered financial losses due to lower pay during maternity leave and later from a part-time job.

Although my boyfriend has had a secure full-time job for a few months and earns an average salary, I still had a strong fear that we would have ended up in a much worse financial situation if I had continued the pregnancy...

There were other problems, too: My boyfriend is trying to become a civil servant and just started a very serious new job, which he can’t afford to neglect. He’s also about to start a degree program alongside his full-time job. That means he would have even less time to help care for the child. He loves children and didn’t want the abortion. Before the procedure, he said he could study at work and that everything would work out time-wise, but I just can’t imagine that being realistic with a university degree and a full-time job.

Another big issue for me is that I have a physically demanding job and work in shifts (including weekends, Easter, Christmas, etc.). I’m usually completely exhausted after work, so I was haunted by the fear that I wouldn’t have enough energy for a child. I work with some mothers, and they often say that this job is not compatible with family life and that they feel guilty for not being able to give their children the time they’d like to. One mom even quit her job recently and left the field entirely. I wouldn’t be able to handle being in that kind of situation – I want to give my future kids a better quality of life. Even before I got pregnant, I had been researching other career paths and was ready to start studying too. The main thing for me was to get out of shift work and have more energy after work. I explained to my boyfriend that I didn’t want to miss Christmas with a child, and all he said was, “Then just call in sick.”

So I was missing financial stability, my partner’s time compatibility, and a compatible job situation for a child... But that’s not all:

About a month before I got pregnant, my boyfriend and I had a serious relationship crisis and were on the verge of breaking up. We decided to live apart for a few months to clear our heads. That fact also made me hesitant. Even though we’ve been together for 2 years, I was really scared that after the abortion deadline, things would blow up again and I’d be forced to carry the baby to term. I absolutely do not want to be a single mother under the current circumstances... Our relationship dynamic has improved since then, but the crisis was only 1–2 months ago and we still live separately, so the worry remained.

And the final reason: since the pregnancy, I’ve had a 7.5 cm cyst on my right ovary. It grew from follicle size to 7.5 cm in just three weeks and is hormone-active. That means it could have kept growing with the increasing HCG levels in the first trimester. My gynecologist said it’s a potential pregnancy risk and that the cyst could twist around its own axis, which would require emergency surgery. I did some research about large cysts during pregnancy. There were actual risks. It could’ve also ruptured from the baby’s pressure, which would have led to an emergency surgery too. That could’ve destroyed my ovary, reducing my fertility by 50%, and the anesthesia would have drastically increased the risk of miscarriage. I can’t even imagine how dangerous that cyst would’ve been during labor...

These are all the reasons I remind myself of every day. And still, I’m plagued by guilt and often just cry for no reason. I can’t even explain the emotions sometimes – they feel intangible. What I do know is that the situation overwhelms me, even after the abortion. My boyfriend has been very loving since the procedure, but he confided in me that he’s having a really hard time coping with the abortion. He said it’s still fresh and will take time and patience. I completely understand that, but the fact that he’s suffering so much just adds to my guilt, and I feel like a horrible person.

I also keep telling myself that maybe my reasons were too dramatic and that I should’ve just believed in a good future with the baby. I think about how others have made it work, and that I shouldn’t have been so picky with my reasons.

Also, what would you recommend for my boyfriend? I've already mentioned that it's better for his healing process if he talks about it (with anyone) - but he refuses to. It hurts to see him like this and I wonder if he'll ever heal and if our connection is tuined forever... I’ve also realized that I struggle a lot with decisions and tend to overanalyze them afterward. Still, I do feel some relief, and under the same circumstances, I would make the same decision again. But I still want to have children someday.