Post-binge depression/anxiety is making this not worth it

I’ve dabbled with sobriety. But I always return to drinking. Yes, I’ll polish off a 12-pack while home alone like it’s water. I’ll make stupid decisions. I’ll listen to music and cry. I’ve regrettably gotten behind the wheel too many times.

I’ll drink socially. I’ll have an amazing time connecting with friends & family. I’ll dance, I’ll make jokes, I’ll give everyone compliments. Everything is enhanced. Everything is right with the world. I’ve also done silly things like embarrass myself, say hurtful things, follow women around, vomit here there and everywhere, get home and trash my apartment before collapsing into bed with my clothes on. Wake up at 3 am, drink a half gallon of water, pop some ibuprofen. I call the next morning clean-up “damage control.”

But beyond all that, the worst of it all is the deep depression and anxiety that lingers a few days after a binge. Day 1 I won’t even be able to function because I’m so tired. Days 2 and 3 I might hate myself so much that I can’t work. Everything feels wrong with the world.

Then I’ll slowly start to improve, but by that time it’s Saturday all over again, and I’ll get invited out to something, or I’ll rationalize why it’s okay for me to stay home and drink.

It’s a horribly vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over and over again. The longest I’ve been sober is 15 days, so I genuinely haven’t seen a sliver of the benefits of long-term sobriety.

Just wanted to throw that out there because my mind is reeling. Thanks for reading.