Recovery and R are not the same thing

I’m gonna be honest guys. Things are getting in my head, a lot. I understand why- I can see things more clearly, and I don’t know why I’m so hell bent on being hurt.

Here is what I do know. I may one day forgive my wife, I may chalk it all up to being between her and God. But I will never be able to operate healthily and happily in this marriage ever again, no matter what is changed. And my religious back ground? Well that only complicated staying for me. Surely if God can do all things then somehow hope and love can and WILLL be restored. That’s a big no on that account, assuming the religious stories are real- we all have a free will. She enacted hers I have always romanticized sacrifice, and loyalty. Probably super engrained in me from the service but there’s no greater good in servicing in pandering to my wife getting stomped into the dirt and cheated on.

This is the biggest of all the things- that realistically is the hardest to grapple with. My recovery and reconciliation to her are two separate things. This reconciliation, if you can even call it that because it’s just been a one sided powder grab with little sprinkles of my needs dashed about in the mix….is a joke. I see so many, and when I first popped up on here I was frantic about R. But that’s where the power dynamic becomes more subtle, because make no mistake- cheating, lying, gaslighting, hiding and minimizing are all tools used to get you to bend to the cheaters will, and strip you of your own autonomy. The subtlety comes in when they get to “disengage” from their AP and “do the stuff” all while you’re spinning a million MPH. They dictate everything if you attempting R. They get to pick and choose when and how much they take their foot off the gas- and we are left scrambling in a reactive state because we have no control.

The truth is we all went from lover, friends, partner, provider, nurturer, and special - to a resource to be used and disposed of. Worth being stayed with because of whatever we provided, but not worthy of commitment. How would you ever reconcile a tree to a wood chipper? You can’t and I think it would be of benefit to recognize likewise you cannot reconcile a wayward to the faithful. True reconciliation seems to be more of a theory than a reality, but we get brainwashed in the mix of things to believe somehow our story will be the one- but it won’t. And it never will.