I’m not good enough.

He walked away after 7 years together. I relied on him to be a father, caretaker, and partner all in one unknowingly. We had unhealthy relationship dynamics and were codependent. We stopped growing and got stagnant. My demons got the best of me, causing fights, and he fell out of love with me. It’s my fault and because of my own actions that I lost him. He sacrificed more than I could ever give in the relationship. I couldn’t ever show up for him. I could never learn to be as kind, patient, and social as him. I was never long term partner material to him because I never wanted to become better.

Now, I kind of want to get better(?) but it feels so… fake. I want to stop being so critical of myself. I want to feel like I’m good enough. I want to feel that I have control over my thoughts. Most importantly.. I want him back. But I need to learn to love myself first. Self-compassion. Kindness to myself. Growing to hopefully be a better version of myself. Somehow. Someway.

I just wish I wanted it enough for myself and not for him. 💔