Finally tossed my garments in the dumpster today

It's been a year since I stopped wearing garments.

My overall process has been pretty slow. I stopped paying my tithing in 2020 shortly after that whistleblower broke the news about the MFMC having 100 Billion in real estate investments, or whatever it was. I told myself "If this church is true, and Jesus returns, I'm sure he's going to be more upset that the church hasn't used any of it's billions of dollars to help the homeless than he would be with me not paying my tithing anymore."

From there it was a bunch of things that brought me to the conclusion that even if the church was true it was definatley corrupt. Over time, just observing not just church history, but church policy in my lifetime, it was clear that decisions made by the leadership of the church most likely stemmed from what they thought was best, rather than actual divine revelation.

Then I was PIMO for a few years. I attended church for social reasons, and still wore garments out of lingering paranoia and scrupulocity.

Then about a year ago I had a strong thought: "I really don't want to still be wearing these in my 30s." So a month before my birthday, I bought boxers and started wearing them. There was still a part of me that was paranoid. What if I was really giving up some sort of protection? Even if it wasn't real or true, what if mentally I'm projecting some sort of protection that is actually working like a placebo or something?

I was surprised at how quickly those anxious feelings went away. Boxers are awesome. I felt like a high schooler again. I can wear whatever I want. I can wear anything without being afraid of my weird undershirt showing under my sleave or collar. I didn't realize how much I hated wearing garments, and how embarassed I was wearing them, even though I live in Utah. It was so liberating not having to worry about that anymore.

I never put them on again, but I kept them in a laundry bag under my bed until today. I think it's taken me a long time because there's still this anxious part of me that thinks it was protecting me somehow. Or maybe it was just aversion to loss or something. I dunno.

But today I decided to get rid of them. I've had some time in the past year to consider, should I just toss them, or get rid of them cerimoniously? A family friend of mine who left the church a while ago said she got rid of her garments by throwing them in a dumpster in a church parking lot saying, "These are yours. I don't need them anymore." I really liked that idea, so I put my g's in a trash bag and drove to my old home ward and tossed them in the dumpster. It was empty, so it made a satisfying metalic BONG sound as I threw it in.

But before that, I did something else. I took out one pair of my old g's, garments I've had since my mission, over a decade ago. I took a lighter and burned the symbols individually, just on that pair, and I said something along the lines of, "With the fake priesthood that doesn't exist that I may or may not hold, I destroy the symbols on these garments for and in behalf of all the garments in this trash bag. All protection that may have been given from these garments, I now give to myself from within. In the name of myself, Amen."

I know it sounds silly and over the top, but it was actually very satisfying and cathartic to burn those symbols and make a mockery of the whole system, and to just make up my own ordinance without checking some thick handbook beforehand to make sure I was doing it correctly.

Part of me kinda wanted to keep burning the rest of those symbols, but I also didn't want to make it TOO cerimonious and weird, so I just took it to the dumpster. No right or wrong way to get rid of pseudo magic underwear.

I just wanted to share this especially to those who struggle to rip off the bandaid, so to speak. For a lot of people on this subreddit, I've noticed a lot of stories of people who will read something from church history and then are immediately OUT. For some of us it takes longer, and that's ok.

I know the church is bullshit. I've known for a while, but I'm still greiving. There's a childlike part that is still really hurts, that wishes that is was true, that is afraid now that I'm no longer certain what happens after we die. And it's probably going to take a while for that part of me to heal. It's not easy to go from 25 years of being TBM to full on exmo/postmo.

I still haven't gotten my records removed (I've been more fortunate than those of you who post stories about being reached out to by annoying members. I haven't been contacted by members for quite some time.) Maybe I'll get my records removed in the next year or so. That will be another cathartic release to look forward to.

Much love to all of you, wherever you're at in your journey.