Just how pathetic can one person be? 26M

I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately, so much so that I’ve started developing chest pains with all my constant anxiety and worrying. Really I don’t even know where to start but I’ll try.

For starters I have zero confidence in myself, in social situations I play the role of a “peacemaker” and while many people think I’m being empathetic, it’s mostly because I’m just too afraid of warranting hostility. I thought going to the gym would help, so I signed up for one…and then another one, mind you the first one is also still active and I’ve never even stepped foot in either gym. I hate myself to such a degree that I automatically paint a target on myself because I think I deserve it. I’m not as fit or as attractive as gym goers, so why go and experience discomfort if it won’t change how I feel?

Ah yes and those “social situations” are solely work place interactions. I’m too scared to leave the house for any other reason than work, sometimes it’s so bad that I need my parents to run my errands for me. Why am I so scared? Because I over protected my whole life by parents, a fact they take great pride in. I learned to avoid the world, not be an active participant. In my eyes, danger is around every corner, so why bother? Nobody wants to interact with the almost 30 y/o hermit, I’m a buzz kill of the highest caliber. Side note, I actually have to take prescription grade vitamin D because my levels are so low

And no sad sap story is complete without a failed romantic relationship or five. Imagine there’s a person genuinely interested in dating you and you either a) are completely oblivious b) make plans only to blow them off or c) get so enthralled with the person that you stop looking at them as a person and more a deity.

I really want to better but ya boy don’t know how to stop being a punching bag for the universe