"Because you answered the bonus question correctly, there is now a 50/50 chance the 'R' can be 'Rape' or 'Release'," announced the deranged "host" to the audience of silent mannequins.

You shouldn't call him "fascist" and "dictator", the way he called people "crooked", because he probably considers them compliments.

A lot of lives were lost that day.

I know, deep within my heart, that letting go of you is the best thing for both of us.

[MAR25] I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early to catch her.

Everyone blames me for the disappearance of my little brother believing I somehow convinced him to run away from home.

She corroborated my best friend's alibi on the stand stating they together all night long.

"You must be fun at parties."

In a rare moment of lucidity, she remembered he was gone and broke down sobbing.

My husband freaked out when he saw the chicken defrosting in the crib.

After the examination, I ask the vet if it was wolf or coyote.

My father told me, "I'll give you something to cry about."

Despite the consequences, you openly declared your love for me.

The customer slouched further down in the chair.

"I mean, yes, they will teach you how to maintain your focus better."

Everyone reacted as one would expect after I awkwardly blurted out "What was she wearing?"

It's amazing the little lies parents tell their children when getting a divorce, like "Mommy and Daddy still love each other", and "This is for the best".

Every night it's the same "there's a monster under my bed/there's a monster on top of my bed."

At first, I was morbidly curious to see how quickly a snake could consume a severed human hand.

Thanks to their expensive, slick lawyer, courtesy of one of their fathers, the frat boys' sentence was nothing more than a light slap on the wrist and absolutely zero prison time.

I sat in darkness for an uncomfortably long time waiting for someone to shout surpise.

Staring into my 10-year-old's eyes, all I see is an empty blackness, devoid of any semblance of emotion.

You keep fostering this anti-Cain hate.

I was surprisingly unfazed when the fireball shot out of its nostril, missing my head by mere inches.

Being a statue of a child meant that I couldn't play with the other children no matter how much I wanted to.